Random Bits of Digital Flotsam

ingredients

2011-11-25T14:15:00.001-05:00

1 lb chicken

1 onion

2 cloves garlic

3 15 oz cans white beans

1 or 2 peppers

3 10oz pkg spinach

large eggs

6oz coursely grated guerre cheese

4 tsps nutmeg

!!!!!!

2009-07-13T08:38:00.002-04:00

http://us.macmillan.com/thegatheringstorm

It's almost here!

25 things I know about myself

2009-01-21T11:44:00.001-05:00

This is from Facebook, but I thought it interesting enough to post on the blog, since I sync them up anyway ;)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it is because I want to know more about you.

1. There are times when I feel like I am living someone else’s life, as I can do things I never thought myself capable of before.

2. I’d rather work on 3 or 4 things at once than one thing at a time.

3. I am not afraid anymore

4. I dream in very vivid color, every night, though I usually don’t remember specifics

5. I believe that the only people that should be given power are the ones that don’t want it.

6. I think sometimes I was born 200 years too late or 200 years too early

7. I have more freckles than just about anyone else I know, and in more places, such as the bottoms of my feet.

8. I have watched the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean, and the sun set over the Pacific Ocean.

9. I have swam in the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Gulf of Mexico, the Gulf of California, the Caribbean Sea, all 5 of the great Lakes, and more rivers and lakes and various bodies of water than I could name.

10. I have been outside when it’s 125 degrees, and when it’s 30 below no wind chill.

11. I have never been in a better place personally in my entire life.

12. I have free dived to a depth of over 100 feet.

13. I am a science dork in my free time. Currently reading : http://quantumenigma.com/

14. I need to start playing music again

15. I do not own a book that I have not read at LEAST twice, and I own a LOT of books.

16. I have setup a network in a hotel room to play games with friends, AFTER just spending 4 days playing games with them at a LANParty.

17. I have given a speech in front of more than 3000 people.

18. I am actually quite shy

19. I love technology, and love my job because of the fact that I get to work with it.

20. I “see” the streets in my head when I think about directions or give someone else directions.

21. I think everybody should be cool, this is a robbery

22. I think the next 20 years will bring changes that none of us can foresee.

23. I haz a flavor

24. I think on my feet really well

25. I truly believe that love and kindness can conquer pretty much anything

A New Year

2009-01-02T14:35:00.001-05:00

Indeed, it IS a new year. Time for some reflection, and for some celebration!

Quite a bit happened in my life this year. I was engaged, but canceled the wedding after realizing that I was not in the right relationship. New friendships started, other friendships ended, and old friends I had not spoken with in many years re-entered my life at times. I sprained my MCL, broke my collarbone, and partially tore my rotator cuff. I got my black belt in June, and began pursuing a 2^nd degree black belt with passion and zeal.

I met people that changed my life in many ways. Each added their own unique push as I made the journey of self discovery this year.

Most importantly, I found something very important this year. I found myself. I found confidence I didn’t know I had. I found that I had more control over most areas of my life than I thought. I found that I could do things I never thought possible. I continued to do the right things, eat the right things, and lose weight, to the point I weigh less now than I did in high school, but am capable of so much more. I discovered that through patience and perseverance pretty much anything is possible.

In many ways, 2008 was the best year of my life.

And yet, I realize now that I am just beginning to discover what I am really capable of. I have set the foundation to build upon, and it is finally solid. I know who I am now, and now it’s time to grow even more. I learn each day how to remove the limitations I had trapped myself with.

2009 is going to be a GREAT year!

Storms, and birthdays, and crashes, oh my!

2008-09-18T14:33:00.001-04:00

This past week has been a whirlwind, no pun intended.

So the big windstorm that was the remnants of Hurricane Ike went through the city on Sunday afternoon and caused a royal mess. Close to 900,000 people without power. 90% of the houses in my neighborhood got some type of damage, though thankfully my house escaped damage. Also fortunately, I got my power back late Sunday night. There are still a good chunk of people without power today. It’s made for some crazy times this week.

Work’s been a little crazy trying to get customers situations straightened out. Most things have been small, except for yesterday.

Yesterday, I had a nice easy day planned. It was my birthday after all! However, that’s not the way it worked out. I had a customer get power back early that morning, and their server was fried. Hardcore fried to the point I couldn’t do anything with it. So the rest of yesterday, and all day today, and probably all day tomorrow, I am trying to restore from backups to a new server to get them running again. It’s a very slow, tedious, and nerve-racking process.

So, the birthday came and went this year quietly. I’m thankful for that. I did get out to lunch with Karen (simple and quick at Applebees), and she got them to sing for me. I find that type of thing embarrassing normally, but it was actually nice yesterday. And it was good to catch up with Karen. And then I got a wonderful gift from Andrea that night after class. She made a homemade dinner (stuffed shells) and brought it over for me to enjoy. She also got me a framed quote, one of my favorites from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior. The quote is:

Knowledge alone does not suffice; it has no heart. No amount of knowledge will nourish or sustain your spirit; it can never bring you happiness or peace. Life requires more than knowledge; it requires intense feeling and constant energy.

It was a very thoughtful gift!

All in all, it’s another year past, and another started. I’m in a good place to start this one for a change, and I am positive it will be a good year.

Status Quo

2008-09-09T11:35:00.001-04:00

Yes, I haven’t updated in a while. I know, I’m a horrible blogger ;).

What’s new with me? The simple answer is not much. I did get to go on a wonderful vacation to San Francisco a few weeks ago. That was extraordinarily nice. What a fun city to visit!

Other than that, it’s been Kung Fu and work. Fu is difficult. Black Belt really ramps things up again. I’m enjoying the challenge for the most part though. I did find out that my shoulder is not really healed. I have a visit with a specialist this Thursday, after my MRI two weeks ago shows a torn rotator cuff. I’m not looking forward to the surgery for that if that is indeed what it is.

Overall, I am not where I thought I would be at this point. Nothing has quite happened the way I thought it would. That’s life for you though. I may not be where I thought I would be, but I am evidently where I am supposed to be. Trying to figure out what I should be learning from everything going on is not particularly easy, but that’s ok. I’m starting to understand myself a little better.

I have had some good experiences and some bad since I posted last. I’ve met some great people, and I’ve had my spirit uplifted a bit by some of them. I’ve reconnected with some other people from my past, one in particular, and that has been very interesting. I will not bore you with details. I will however try to post more to keep things updated better.

Fortune

2008-07-16T11:53:00.001-04:00

My fortune from my dinner last night with my best friend from high school, who I hadn’t seen in perhaps 8 years….

Hope is the most precious treasure to a person

Very apropos I think, for many reasons

Update

2008-06-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

Yes, no updates recently. I've been busy. Check out the two pics above. Karen was gracious enough to come to my black belt test and take some pics. And yes, I passed!

Doorways

2008-05-19T13:40:00.001-04:00

So, my cat Guiness and I have been playing this game for a few weeks now, and it occurred to me that there may be a lesson here as well.

Guiness tries to escape to the outside whenever I go out of the house. I primarily use the garage door, so what she will do is she will hide when I’m getting ready to leave, and when she hears me approaching the garage door, she’ll run to try to get out before I notice her. Most of the time I catch her, but sometimes not. However, at times, I’ll open the door from the kitchen to the garage without the outside garage door being up. Guiness does not understand this. Sometimes, the door from the kitchen is an escape. Sometimes, it leads to a dark closed room. When the outside garage door is down, and she goes to run into the garage, she’ll stop, look around a bit, then head back into the house, as obviously there is no outside to escape to here. When this happens, her disappointment is almost palpable. But it never, ever stops her. She’s ready to run to the door when I get close to it the next time. And sometimes she knows she will be right, and there will be an exit. So she keeps trying.

We all have doorways in our own lives. Sometimes they lead somewhere, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the same door does both in our own lives.

I am very similar to my cat. I take doors, knowing they can lead to both disappointment and to fulfillment. Sometimes, I don’t know which one a certain door will lead to, but I still open it, because sometimes, just sometimes, Guiness is right, and there is a way.

Sometimes

2008-05-12T11:32:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I want to stand up and shout “I am here” to a world that mostly doesn’t seem to notice my existence.

Sometimes, I take the long way home just because.

Sometimes, the sun doesn’t seem very bright or very warm.

Sometimes, I think my cats are smarter than I am.

Sometimes, I wonder why things play out the way that they do.

Sometimes, I get lost in my own thoughts for hours, like yesterday.

Sometimes, I wonder why I am so different from most people I know, and why I just can’t get into the “normal” things they are into.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all a supreme cosmic joke.

Sometimes, I feel like I am in on that joke.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the butt of that joke.

Sunny Days

2008-05-06T10:38:00.001-04:00

The past few days have been gorgeous. I can’t say I’ve taken full advantage of it. I did lay out in the sun long enough yesterday while playing sick from work to get a nice burn, but my time has mostly been spent thinking, which I think is appropriate since I was supposed to have gotten married this past Saturday.

I won’t say that this was a good thing. I turned off my phone for the most part, and didn’t talk to anyone. I’m trying to figure out if I’m really on the path I’m supposed to be on at this point. I think I am, and I think the struggles I am going through support that argument, but it’s really hard right now.

I’m having some pretty serious self confidence issues. Nothing I seem to do works out the way I want it to. I’ve lost tons of weight, but don’t feel attractive in the slightest. I’m considered the best tech where I work, but I feel like I can’t do anything right recently.

How many times does one have to pick oneself off the floor, just to get knocked back down? And when is it smarter to stay down?

Insight

2008-04-29T13:52:00.001-04:00

Isn’t that what we all really want? Insight into how someone else is thinking? Insight into how to better do your job, your marriage, your life?

The insight we all really need, myself included, is insight into why we do things we do. I’m notorious for building things up in my head only to be sorely disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Why do I do this? And how do I stop doing this?

I look at my life, and the things that aren’t right, and I try to take steps to make things better. To a great extent I am successful. However, when it’s something I really, really, really (yes, really x 3) want, then caution gets thrown to the wind. I prepare for the event or action that I want to happen, and it gets built up in my head until anything less than perfection is a disappointment. And then the event or action rolls around, and as we know perfection never happens. So even when I get what I want, I’m still not satisfied because it’s not everything I want it to be.

There is one area in particular that I am absolutely horrible at this, and it really hurts to say I don’t seem to have learned my lesson there.

I have tried to start mitigating this. How? By expecting and anticipating nothing. “Well,” you may say, “that sounds like a crappy way to go through life.” I disagree. By taking away expectations, everything that happens is a bonus. I wasn’t expecting to hear from so and so, and then I do, and that’s awesome. I wasn’t expecting to have something to do on Friday, but then I do, and that’s great. The negatives don’t seem so negative because I wasn’t expecting the opposite.

This all goes back to experience each moment as it comes, and stop worrying about the future and things you can’t control. It’s a daily struggle, and it’s never easy. Most assuredly not easy when there are things in life you really want.

Ordinary moments

2008-04-23T13:45:00.000-04:00

How many times do we waste away the day waiting for something to end, a meeting or task or whatever? How often do we ignore the present thinking about what we will have for dinner, or what we will do later on?

This is my challenge to you, and something I have been challenging myself on everyday for the past 2 months. Remember that there are no ordinary moments. There is no future, only a continuing series of NOW. Exist fully in each moment. Take no experience, good or bad, for granted. Everything you do, from opening a can of vegetables, to driving your car to work, to spending time with your children, to confessing something important to someone close to you, is a unique opportunity to exist here and now and to learn. It’s amazing what you can learn from mundane tasks, and how much quicker they will go when you let go and simply exist.

What’s also amazing is how much happier you will be. When you find yourself caught up in worrying about what’s coming next or what you are going to do, LET IT GO. Tell yourself that, “Let it go!”

Hello Stranger

2008-04-22T10:36:00.001-04:00

Yes, it’s been quite some time since I posted last. There are many reasons for that, but none of them are really important.

The collarbone is healed for the most part. I still have a significant amount of pain, but that’s normal according to the doctor. My left side is waaaay weaker than my right side at this point, and that’s frustrating. I’m working on it though.

Preparations for black belt test in June are going well. I feel great, I haven’t lost any ground due to being injured. This is mostly because I’m too stubborn to rest. This applies to a great many other areas of my life as well. It’s a blessing and curse at the same time.

I’ve begun meditating daily. Some days this is good, other days it is not. Clearing my mind is not always an easy task for me. But I keep trying, and that’s the main thing. Practice, practice, practice.

I finally feel very comfortable in my own space. The house is mine again, and I’ve started rearranging things and adding new things to make it feel more like my home. It CAN get lonely, but such is life. I have worked to cultivate some healthy friendships with Fu folks, and those are very fulfilling. It’s wonderful to be part of such a good group of people, and to know that they believe I belong there.

I sometimes wonder exactly what it is that I have started for myself. I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I feel like I have come far, but have so far yet to go. Some things have worked as I intended, and others have not gone as I would have wished.

Each day is a challenge to be the person that I know I can be, and most days I am up to that task.

Update

2008-02-14T17:58:00.002-05:00

According to the doctor, I am at least a week ahead of where I should be healing wise. I have mobility of about 3 weeks after break, not 10 days. So, the meditative process is definitely helping!

A few things

2008-02-12T12:29:00.001-05:00

A brief rundown of things.

I suffered a grade 2 MCL sprain at my last test in December. I was at least able to finish the test, and pass. One more belt to go before black!

The time since then has been a haze of pain and turmoil, with everything happening so fast. Dealing with the knee, and then dealing with everything going on personally has been trying at the best of times.

Then last Monday I broke my collarbone. I did a drop kick, landed on the shoulder, and I heard it snap when I hit. So did a few other people. I drove myself to the ER after I was able to get the pain under control.

Totally unexpected, and really emphasized that there are indeed times it truly sucks to be alone. It also meant that I did not get to participate in the Fine Arts Fund demo this weekend for the dojo, which was a major bummer. However, the outpouring of support I have gotten from everyone has been really great. Jen has come over and helped me several times, and has been wonderfully sweet about it. Jen Wren came over last week to help me as well. Michele baked me a handmade lasagna and brought it over on Saturday, complete with fresh bread and snickerdoodles. Rachel has come over to help me. My brother and his wife made homemade vegetable soup and brought that over as well.

Honestly, last Tuesday I was really, really down about everything, and being alone for 4 to 6 weeks healing wasn’t an enticing prospect. Fu is my only social activity, and not being able to go made me really sad. However, knowing that I have lots of people that will go out of their way to help me has been a huge shot in the arm, and though I’m still in a lot of pain, I feel ready to tackle the healing process and get back to where I belong.

I’ve been trying something to help with the healing. As I’ve been getting more into meditation, I’ve been trying to meditate with a specific image in mind. I imagine thousands of tiny construction workers repairing the damage that I’ve done. I see the doctor tomorrow, so I’m interested to hear from him where I’m at compared to where I should be.

The Shore

2007-10-30T16:05:00.001-04:00

I swim in this ocean we call life.

We start on the shore in our mother’s womb. It’s safe, it’s warm, and that’s all we need.

We grow a little older, and we wade in the shallows. When big waves come along, we retreat to the safety of home, of the shore.

We get to high school and college, and we are tempted to wade further out. Never quite leaving the bottom, we still manage to get in over our heads sometimes, but the safety of shore is never truly far from sight.

And then we HAVE to make our own way. We hear rumors of ANOTHER shore, some other place away beyond our sight. But to get there, we have to step out on our own.

Some of us never really make that step. We live in the same areas as our parents, our friends from high school, our flotsam collected along the way. We never lose sight of that first shore we came from, playing just beyond the breakers, but never pushing further. It makes us feel safer, not being in that great big ocean alone.

Some of us push off and make our way into deeper waters. We swim out past where we can see the shore. But we keep trying to look back, keep trying to keep our heads above water. We swim against the currents to try to get to some predetermined location we have fixed in our minds. And so eventually we either drown, or we swim back to the shore because it’s too hard to do otherwise.

We can flounder and splash and complain on the surface all we want, but the ocean never changes, never hears, never cares.

Still fewer of us push off and never look back. We swim in the currents, letting them push us where they want us to go. They help us conserve energy. They do occasionally push us away from people we’d rather not part with, but we trust the currents are taking us in the right direction. We ride out the storms by diving underneath the turbulent surface to the calm water underneath. They help us see that trouble is usually very shallow. And we keep going, keep swimming, never quite knowing that there is something else out there, but sure that we can never go back to where we were.

And so, I keep swimming. Always forward, and never back.

Point of View

2007-10-29T15:01:00.001-04:00

I have my own unique point of view on the world. We all do. It’s part of what makes us individuals, unlike any other entity on this planet.

I have yet to meet another person that has a point of view similar to mine. A few of my friends share bits and pieces of mine, but not mine entirely.

I spend a lot of time thinking about various things. As Karen put it, I exist at a “deeper level” than 98% of the people out there. This contributes to my point of view being different, and it also contributes to the fact that I HAVE an educated point of view on almost any topic someone brings up. I’ve thought about it, researched it, and formulated some type of opinion on it based on the facts of the subject at hand. I’ve also experienced a lot in my short life, lived through some things that most people shouldn’t have to live through, lived through some things that most people SHOULD have to live through. It gives me a wealth of background for almost any question that comes up.

However, there are two downsides to this.

1) I frequently find that I have to tell someone “Live my life the way I have, then you’ll understand why I feel this way” on particular subjects. I can’t always explain why I am the way I am, just that certain actions or feelings are just right for me based on my past experiences.

2) I wonder sometimes if there is anyone out there who can see my whole self and understand. This does not have to be a romantic involvement, just some type of kindred soul who can really understand me. So far I have not found that person, which leads me to conclude so far that I am truly alone in my understanding of this world.

Note, the last sentence really does concern me on a base level. While it would be nice, it’s not necessary to my survival. I’m always been content with myself and who I am. And I never worry about making my own decisions, even when everyone else I know is against what I may decide.

Anyways, one of the myriad things I’ve been thinking about.

Footprints on the heart

2007-10-24T15:56:00.001-04:00

Some people enter and leave our lives with haste.

Other people stay a while.

They grace us with new understanding.

They show us parts of the world hidden from us.

They leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

(not an original creation of mine, just something that struck me)

What do you say?

2007-10-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

I see the world in a different light.

You see day, I see night.

Who's to say which is right?

I pour my soul into my life,

I get in return disbelief and strife.

Even when I explain my side,

and try to take your barbs in stride,

you still hurt what's left of my pride.

Others judge on incomplete facts,

and give you their own tacts.

Yet they can't know what's left inside,

Do you?

Hiatus

2007-08-30T07:14:00.001-04:00

Last post for a very long time most likely. This place no longer serves my intended purpose, and there is too much else that I need to deal with. I'm also turning off comments altogether.

Weekend Weddings

2007-08-13T14:17:00.000-04:00

Jen and I visited the rustic Vicennes, IN this past weekend for a wedding for a pair of her Chicago friends. The ceremony was small, and they did a few pretty neat things. They had a sand ceremony, which was pretty neat. Jen and I are thinking about doing something similar at ours now. (They already said they’d be ok if we copied them ;) ). The weekend was low key in general, and some good time together for us.

The best part of the whole weekend for me honestly was the drive there and back. I love to drive. We took Route 50 there and back. For those of you used to traveling by Interstate, there is something so much more appealing about taking the old national routes around the country. You see so much more country, so much more EVERYTHING. Even with the drought, the route was absolutely gorgeous.

Anyways, here’s to another hot week ahead!

Hot

2007-08-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

Ya, that pretty much sums up the past week. With no AC in the dojo, this weather sucks to work out in. It’s hard to breathe, and you start sweating right as you walk in. Craziness!

Meditation is coming along. It’s difficult to meditate with lots on your mind, and everything that Jen and I have been talking about has definitely added to the difficulty. At the same time, the meditation has made it somewhat easier to deal with these things in positive ways, rather than exploding and getting mad, which helps no one.

I believe what I wrote last week. I’ve lost my ability to laugh somewhere along the way. That doesn’t mean I’m completely unhappy with life in general. A great many things in my life I am content with. And the rest I think I can work on, with Jen’s help, and the help of my friends.

Everything’s always a work in progress!

Laughter update

2007-07-31T08:38:00.000-04:00

Jen and I had a great weekend, and I feel much better than I did last week.

Jen makes me laugh more than I let myself laugh. I just have to learn to let her do it more, and not get frustrated with her spritely nature. It’s not an easy thing for me to do, but it’s a very important thing for me to do.

I love you Jen!

Laughter

2007-07-26T14:41:00.000-04:00

I have forgotten how to laugh.

I have forgotten what it is to have a good time.

I have forgotten what it is like to be carefree.

I have forgotten how to smile most of the time.

I get frustrated with happy people for not taking things more seriously.

I find fault with movies, books, conversations, and people that don’t live in what I call the real world, that don’t have plots with serious themes, that don’t have some type of point.

I can’t take a joke, no matter how small. I take offense instead.

I have forgotten how to look at things with wonder, and instead only see the pale reflection of envy because I cannot.

I have forgotten how to see the world in splendor, and instead see darkness and ashes.

I have forgotten how to ask for help to change this.

Meditation

2007-07-23T10:12:00.000-04:00

So, for the past week or so, I’ve been taking an active part in some self-realization through meditation. A small group of us have been learning some techniques and posting to a message board about how things have been going. It’s pretty amazing what this can do for one. Let me explain a bit.

There are two different ways we meditate.

There is a traditional “soft” meditation, like what most of you probably think of when you conceptualize meditation. Sitting quietly, clearing your mind, etc. We do that, focusing on the breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth. The mind should stay clear. The trick here is this. Instead of REACTING to thoughts or emotions, you have to REFLECT on those thoughts and emotions, and then TAKE ACTION. Think of it this way: With the eyes closed, you float in a dark void, and thoughts enter the void from outside. You can look at those thoughts, examine where they come from, examine any predjudices you may have associated with those thoughts, then deal with those thoughts in the best possible way FOR ALL PEOPLE INVOLVED. This is a very foreign concept to western society in general, and very difficult for us Americans in particular. It’s a hard thing to get the hang of.

There is also “hard” meditation. This involves tensing the body as you are trying to mediate. You stand, or do forms, or in general tense up the muscles. All the while you are trying to keep your mind clear, trying to focus on absolutely nothing. Obviously you work up a sweat, and it’s more difficult than you might think.

Anyways, so we’ve been meditating daily, fitting it in where we can, and each posts their sessions each day to a message board. We all do things differently. There isn’t a lot of commenting back and forth, as meditation is a personal thing. But there is some, and just knowing other people are doing it is also a big thing. More motivation to do it every day.

Depending on culture, meditation allows us to experience different “states” of awareness and consciousness. The first is what I’ve described already. When one meditates enough, daily living becomes an exercise in REFLECTing and then TAKING ACTION. Too many of us, myself included, react to things that go on around us. My goal over the next couple of months is to really try to reflect more on the things that go on around us.

Just in this past week, it’s really remarkable the sense of overall peace I feel compared to the week before I started doing thing seriously. I’ll make sure to post my continued thoughts on it. And let me know if you have any specific questions about anything!

TT Thoughts

2007-07-19T15:04:00.000-04:00

Since I haven’t posted in a while, I’d thought I’d copy my fiancé and do a list.

1. It’s amazing how different people who are close to you can see you as a person.

2. A little compassion can go a long way.

3. I really don’t like preachy people.

4. I have started some meditation learning, and it’s absolutely unbelievable.

5. I am happy I finally got my server at home running again. It’s time to play with stuff.

6. It’s dismaying when people assume they know what you are thinking, without asking.

7. I just completed a project that no one else in my company comprehends. That’s pretty awesome J.

8. I can now do front and back walkovers, something that always eluded me when I was little.

9. I got to see an actual OC-192 today that was working…

10. I have a few customers that actually treat me better than some of my friends do.

11. Even though I have none myself, it’s disturbing to hear someone say that they have lost their faith, especially when they say it’s because of you.

12. I find myself hanging onto the void most of the day. Read Wheel of Time and you’ll get it.

13. No dinner and no breakfast actually makes it tough to eat lunch…..

Bonus Post!

2007-07-08T15:32:00.001-04:00

My friend Mandy took this on the 4th of July, and I wanted to share it with all of you! I think this is my new favorite picture of Jen.

Random thoughts

2007-07-06T16:34:00.000-04:00

A few random thoughts for your Friday:

The Creation Museum: http://www.creationmuseum.org/ Now this has got to be one of the asinine things I’ve seen in a long time. A museum based on opinion. You’re joking right? Not only are they not joking, this lovely farce exists in the only place it logically could…….near Cincinnati. Anyone feel like a day trip to laugh at the idiots?

Transformers was a lot of fun on the 4^th. I really liked what they did with it. It’s worth paying to go see. Even Jen had fun watching….

I am actually close to being able to do the splits, at least front ways. Straddle, not so much………..

I learned how to break boards with an underhand strike called an ox tongue break.

Every major news media outlet has been reporting about the excessive heat out west………. Here’s my two cents, having lived there for two years…….. IT’S THE FRICKING DESERT, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? It’s like moving to Antartica and then complaining that it’s cold. Why the hell is this front page news for every national group?

Anyways, have a great weekend!

Testing

2007-06-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

Well, the testing on Saturday went really well. Even Joe thought things went well, and that’s saying something, as he always has corrections for people. No corrections for anyone! And oh yeah, I passed! So, just 1 year until black belt!

After that we had a seminar, and we learned a new drunken immortal form. It’s one of the 18 most difficult in the system, and I seriously felt like I had been in a car accident on Sunday I was so sore.

I can’t complain, it was an extremely full weekend!

Hi There

2007-06-21T09:09:00.000-04:00

Hi there, yes been gone, I know. I have a perfectly good explanation:

So, Kung Fu is supposed to be 6 months to go from 3^rd Brown to 2^nd Brown. I am testing to 2^nd Brown on Saturday, in only 3 months!!..... and our teacher doesn’t like to let people test early J.

I’ve worked my butt off to be able to do this. Everyone I talked to initially didn’t think I could do it. The material is way more difficult than anything we’ve had to do so far. But I’ve been focused, and I’ve done the best I can do.

Most importantly, it means that my next two tests leading up to black belt will be here in Cincinnati. Which means my parents can come watch.

A lot of this was driven by attending a talk on Shaolin history and heritage called Tales from the Temple by one of the elder masters in our system. One of the things that hit home for me was something he said regarding his father. He regretted that his father never saw him do anything with kung fu before he died. It was never important enough at the time. Since tests for higher degree black belts are closed to the public, I realized that I had only 3 tests left that my own father could attend, and my schedule meant those tests would be in Lexington.

So I decided to try to get the schedule changed, and waiting an extra 3 months at some point to do that just wasn’t an option, especially after learning that dad’s leukemia is starting to wake up again.

So anyways, I’m hoping to be back on a more normal schedule after Saturday, with perhaps a bit more time for things.

We’ll see!

Thoughts

2007-05-23T15:22:00.000-04:00

A few thoughts for today:

If had to do my job for another 20 years, or 30 years, I do believe I would kill myself first. It's simply not worth it.

I get tired of people asking the same damn questions every day. AFTER I write the instructions down for them and tape them to the monitor so that they can look at them. But they don't want to look at them, and have told me they don't want to look at them, they'd rather call!

I get tired of listening to parents complain about allergies, or cuts and bruises, or hurt feelings, or whatever, and making it sound like their child is the most put upon child on the planet. How the hell did any of us get here? Did nobody but me ever fall off their bike when they were little and skin their knee? Did nobody else have horrible allergies? I sure did, and I was told to get back out there, get back on, stop sniffling and blow my nose. You know what? My allergies are nearly gone, I've learned to play through pain, and I've learned that a little blood is good for you sometimes. And I've learned the real world is a harsh place, no matter what some people would have you believe. And it always will be, and the sooner you get used to that, the happier you will ultimately be. Otherwise, you are in for a lifetime of disappointment.

I AM tired of people not helping themselves. When did we become a country of helpless idiots? What happened to the people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps with a nickel to their name? The only people willing to work that hard nowadays don't start here in the US, they come here from other countries. And they make US look bad.

I AM tired of people assuming that they know me, they know my type, or they know what I want. It's really simple: ASK!

Friday

2007-05-18T19:50:00.000-04:00

What a long week! After working part of last weekend, and just being generally busy, I actually turned in over 50 billable hours this week. On top of that, I went to the dojo for 2 hours on Sunday, 3 hours Monday, 2 and half Wednesday, and 2 last night. So you can see why it's been hard for me to find time to post :).

Here is one of my all time favorite links:

These pictures have a very nearly physical pull on me. They represent the future, albeit a much farther distant future for us than I would like. Spending time looking at these really makes me wonder. And this is the major point of what I wonder.....

This planet should be our springboard to populate the places in these pictures. That means many things. It means sustaining the environment here to learn how to coexist with new places we find. It means learning to exist as one people, rather than separate countries. It means a truly global economy.

We are this one, infinitesimally small point of light in the great darkness. If we can overcome these internal struggles as a whole, we can spread it. Otherwise.....

States

2007-05-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

From Karen's blog.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

I've been through some of the ones I didn't put down here. Some states need more than one....I.E. Arizona north is very different from arizona south, same for California, etc.........

Tagged!

2007-05-03T15:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, I’m slow in responding, but here are my 7 things. I don’t have 7 other bloggers to send to, so I’ll be a little anarchist and not do that part………

1.) I could literally swim before I could walk.

2.) I am a complete wuss when it comes to little pain, like bee stings or pinches, but I can take big pain, like broken bones or the like, with no problem. (hehehe, just ask Jen)

3.) I typically prefer my own company to anyone else’s, with the exception of 3 people. (Sorry, no hurt feelings, won’t reveal that here.)

4.) I have difficulty relating to men. Women? No problem!

5.) I truly believe that there is no lower calling than politics. Our current system is nothing like what the founding fathers intended, and it will never get any better while the masses have their current apathetic attitudes. I can’t even stand to listen to most people talk about it.

6.) There are times I have difficulty communicating with people because even I can’t keep up with the ideas that go through my head.

7.) I truly believe that I was born either 200 years too early, or 200 years too late………

Vindication!!!!

2007-04-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

I hate telling people “I told you so”, but today I get to do that in a big way.

3 years ago at this point, a friend of mine started dating a woman who was just no good. She was married, not positive about getting divorced, etc. I said, at the time, that this was trouble. I was told that I was too sensitive to everything after my divorce, and I didn’t know what I was talking about.

So this went on for 2 years, and my friend really, really got hurt. Things never progressed the way he wanted them to. He poured out his love and devotion to this woman, and she never really returned it, but she kept him hanging on. He got absolutely crushed. And yet he kept going back for more, wouldn’t listen to any of his friends, etc.

He finally broke things off in a way, but never really gave up on her either. She supposedly was getting back together with her husband, but they talked and what not. I don’t know too many details about that time period because I removed myself from that situation.

Anyways, Friday he finds out that not only did she not get back with her husband, she’s now dating one of our other friends from gaming days. One that we used to be good friends with. (Well, not anymore, eh?)

Complete bitch.

And damn it, I told you so!

The positive part is that hopefully my friend will finally move on and be happy.

Aura

2007-04-14T10:58:00.001-04:00

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world.
And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it!

The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say

Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony

Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

What kind of Intelligence......

2007-04-14T10:11:00.001-04:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Hi there!

2007-04-12T11:45:00.000-04:00

Yes, I’ve been absent again. I know. I’m not sure what to do about that.

The truth is this. I’m finding it hard to blog. I know there are certain people reading this now that I feel like I have to watch what I say, and I don’t like that. It makes it really hard for me to use this in the way that I used to use this. There are many things I feel like I can’t talk about here now.

Anyways, brief update on me I guess:

The cold snap sucks for gardening. Nothing more has gotten done, and nothing more can get done. Blech.

Kung Fu is good. Brown belt classes are a whole new level of difficulty. My body is almost used to the new schedule, but not quite. I’m learning my first sword kata, which is awesome. Tonight I get to start learning Ironman training, so I’m expecting lots of bruises.

It seems our social calendar is quite full. I find it hard to admit that I’m ALMOST like Karen in that I feel the need to schedule these on my calendar in Outlook. It’s the only way to keep it straight. I’m not really complaining, as it’s nice to feel like we have tons of people that want to spend time with us.

I took some pictures of the flowerbeds before things started coming up. I’ll try to upload those soon. I’ll take after pictures when the flowers are really going.

Spring!

2007-03-27T14:41:00.000-04:00

Yep, it’s finally that time!

This past weekend was ALL ABOUT spring for me. Saturday we got up and went to visit a few nurseries. It’s difficult to really pick out too much this early, but it was well worth the trip. We stopped for coffee, only to discover that the new coffee place that opened near me is actually owned by a couple that live in our neighborhood! So that was neat. Then, when we couldn’t find any breakfast places near the nursery I wanted to start at, we headed north on Route 22 (Montgomery Rd.). That turned into a nice drive in the country! We went through Morrow, and finally found a little mom and pop place north of there that was serving breakfast. Jen and I both got breakfast sandwiches and a bottle of water, and the whole thing was $5. Can’t beat that.

So, we stopped at Applewood nursery, and didn’t really find much there yet. They were still sitting things out, so it will be worth a trip back in about 2 weeks. So then we stopped by Earthscapes on the way home. They had much more out, and they actually had a few customers too. We picked out a white Iceberg Rose bush to put on top of where I buried Ojos. It’s fitting I think, she loved to hide in rose bushes. We got a few pink Pincushions for Jen, and then picked out the Hardy Orange Flying Dragon. I really can’t wait to see what it looks like. We dropped the plants off at home, then headed to Home Depot. We picked out some flower bulbs and a few tools, and were on our way home.

It was great working in the yard outside all day. We got a lot done, though you wouldn’t necessarily know it by looking at the yard yet J. I got plenty of sun, which I’m happy about. I hate being inside.

Sunday was Fantasy Baseball draft day, another sign it’s spring time J. Greg came over, and we got online to pick our players. It’s basically 2 and half or 3 hours of smack talking. It was good, and I’m happy with my team this year I think. Only time will tell! Baseball starts this weekend!!! Then we hung out for a little bit, and ended up going to my brother’s place for an impromptu cookout.

All in all it was a great spring weekend!!

Whew!

2007-03-20T16:53:00.000-04:00

Well, the past few days have been extraordinarily busy. Jen gave a good recap on the weekend, so I’ll spare you a total recap, except for Sunday.

Sunday I woke up at 6AM so that I could meet up with folks and head down to Lexington for testing. We got down to the dojo early, which was nice. I got to talk to a few of the other students from other parts of the country. We had people there from all over Kentucky, as well as New York and Washington D. C.. Grandmaster Sin The’ arrived fashionably late as always, and things got under way. Now most of the people there were lower belts, so there was a good deal of time where I could do nothing but sit there and wait, which is always great for building anxiety. I finally got called up, and I got through all of my material just fine.

Next was sparring. As always, I sparred with Brian. Now, we were going just a bit harder than we should have been, and the funniest thing happened. I blocked a kick of his, and somehow I hit just right to rip his pants leg open. From groin to knee J. The black belts all started giggling, which was great.

Regardless everything went fine, and I am now a 3^rd degree brown belt! Now the fun really starts with class, as things get a lot more difficult!

Have I ever (thanks Karen)

2007-03-15T13:46:00.000-04:00

Well, like I said in Karen’s blog, here are my answers to these questions. (Bold text means I have done this.)

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candle lit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (every day I come home and Jen is there)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (Little community service thing, I was one of the crowd)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage (if school theatre counts)
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Additional items:

151. Nearly drowned

152. Ridden out a thunderstorm at sea

153. Gone swimming someplace where you couldn’t see land

154. Experienced “altered consciousness”

155. Woken up in a foreign country and not remembered crossing the border

156. Marched in a parade (In Washington D.C. no less)

157. Taken part in an organized protest

158. Taken a sailboat trip that lasted more than 2 days (7 days, Florida Keys)

159. Gone swimming at night, in the ocean

160. Gone skinny dipping

Well, that’s my list. Still things to get done!

Absence

2007-03-14T22:50:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the absence. I've been crazy busy trying to keep up with life in general, or at least that's how it feels.

I fully intended to do the list from Karen's blog, but I really don't have the energy tonight. I had to pretest tonight in order to be able to go to Lexington on Sunday to test for 3rd Brown Belt. It was ugly honestly. Not that I did poorly, just that the conditions were brutal. I almost couldn't get through it. Not everyone did. But, I passed, so now I can test for real on Sunday.

I will do the list tomorrow.

End of February thoughts

2007-02-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Yep, tomorrow is already the end of February. No, I can’t really believe it either. This year is going to fly by like the last one did.

Here’s a small list of things I am thinking about right now…………….

1) I live very much in the now, and I think that conflicts with an awful lot of people that love to plan for the future.
2) The kitten is slowly turning into a cat, and a good one at that!
3) I’m consistently amazed at people that send things from work email addresses. Do you all really not understand that ALL of it is monitored, and that it’s now MANDATED FEDERALLY that employers keep email for at least 7 years? And that even jokes that seem harmless can get you fired?
4) Part of me is always in another place, another time.
5) I am always disappointed whenever anyone brings up anything political. I can only think of 3 people that can talk intelligently about anything without paraphrasing or ripping off the media on the subject.
6) How do you have any type of consistent and decent life with a partner who’s not there a good portion of the time? Can you have totally separate lives and yet be together? Don’t you really HAVE to have separate lives?
7) Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? (The better question is, should we?)
8) Look up some information on a project called Atlantropa. Fascinating, and doomed by politics back in the 1920’s.
9) I believe less and less in democracy every day. I believe more in a true republic or even a truly benevolent dictator. Unfortunately, power attracts the corruptible, so it will never happen. The only people truly worthy to wield power are those who don’t want to do it.
10) I believe the human species ONLY hope long term is space and colonization. If we stay on this planet, we will kill ourselves off one way or another. And sooner rather than later.

Negative:

I find myself frustrated a lot right now. Things aren’t moving fast enough in any one single area of my life, other than Kung Fu where I’m ahead of schedule. It’s not that I try less in anything else, but that’s the only area that I have complete control over what happens. I do the best I can everywhere else, and it feels like I’m waiting. Consistently waiting on someone else to do something, ANYTHING!

Work=boredom right now. I’m waiting for the sales guy to get up to speed so that I have something to do. I take care really good care of my customers, which means I don’t have much to do. It’s a nasty paradox. I study where I can, but the rest of the time is busywork that’s WAY below my skills. But there is so much busywork that I end up working a ton, which sucks.

The new sales guy is annoying. He is so over the top that I can’t listen to him for more than 5 minutes without being sick. All I can say is that it better translate into some good projects, or I’m really going to start questioning the judgement of the people that run the place.

Positive:

With Jen’s house finally getting sold, we can move forward with planning the actual wedding, which we will start doing probably next week. It will take some time to get things set, but it’s nice to finally get started.

Did my taxes over the weekend, and ended up with a pretty decent return this year.

For the first time since I was in high school, I now weigh less than 200lbs.

Musings

2007-02-13T09:32:00.000-05:00

I found out this weekend that yes, I can break boards with my hands and feet. And do it in front of 150 people too ;). It’s something I never thought I would learn to do! (And I’m going to try concrete before too long……)

I really can’t stand people that are enthusiastic about everything. I’m sorry, but it just seems fake. Do your job, and shut the hell up, I could care less that you are excited to do it. I do mine, and I do it well, but I don’t pester people by telling them how much I love what I do.

There are times I miss being an “ultra geek”. I no longer have 5 or 6 PCs running at my house, and I no longer have spares for friends to play on when they come over. This really isn’t a bad thing, but I definitely don’t learn as much as I used to, if you can believe that. I no longer eat, sleep, and drink tech stuff.

In a rare thing for me, I can’t honestly tell you the last time I was let down by one of my friends. I think this has a lot to do with changing the group I hang out with most of the time. I don’t miss that part of my old life at all.

I find it hard to blog recently. And I’m not sure why.

Hiding

2007-02-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

We hide from ourselves. We tell ourselves that we want certain things, when we don’t. We tell ourselves we don’t want other things, when we really do.

I believe that one of the true definitions of enlightenment is the ability to be completely truthful with oneself. This is not an easy task.

The true bitch of it is this: Even when you can be completely honest with yourself, it’s nearly impossible to find someone else you can share that with! So we play the game of judging what people want to hear vs. what they SHOULD hear.

And when it’s someone really important to you in some way, that leads to hiding things from yourself, simply because there is no other way to do it. You can’t speak the truth without hurting the other person, and you can’t lie to yourself because you know better. So your subconscious starts hiding certain things from you, and eventually the real truth gets muddled down in all the half facts and convenient truths that we tell ourselves to make the path easier. It’s human nature to take the path of least resistance.

I’m no better at this than anyone else, but I at least try to be cognizant of the fact that I AM at times telling people what they want to hear. And I try to find a place in every conversation where I can smoothly switch over the real truth for people that I think CAN handle it.

It’s hard, and sometimes it’s lonely. But ultimately I think the striving for it makes me, and those around me, better.

Cold

2007-02-05T15:03:00.000-05:00

Other than frigidly cold, the weekend was alright. Jen and I stayed in Friday night after she got home. I made breakfast for her Saturday morning, then we took her car back. I went to the dojo for 2 hours while she napped on the couch and did some laundry. Then Greg, Brian, and Kris came over for some gaming while Jen and Darlene watched a movie. It worked out to be a pretty nice night for everyone really.

Sunday was low key, which was great. We had Jen’s sister up, along with Greg and Brian, to watch the game. I’m glad the Colts won, so now the press can stop harping on Manning. Good stuff all around.

A little under the weather today, just too cold to get moving right. These days really bother my joints. I’m debating class tonight, though the rest of the week doesn’t look any better, so I should probably go regardless.

Long week

2007-02-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

Howdy, where to start?

It’s been a long week with Jen out of town. I put in a lot of time at work, which is fine. Drove to Indianapolis yesterday for a call. I got to see another friend from California last night, which was good. I put my time in at the dojo, and got a few other things done as well.

Resolution update……. I’ve been good! I can feel the difference in my body already, and it’s a good thing.

Mentally, the nightmares have stopped. I’m still having very vivid dreams like before, but they at least aren’t frightening.

I’ve come to the realization this week that I’m really not missing my past anymore. There have been times when I missed the big group getting together and having fun, but those times have been past for nearly a year now. I’m at peace with myself and the decisions I’ve made. My true friends see this, and they are happy about it. My old group sees me the way that I was, and believe that I need to get back to who I was. They miss getting together and having our large group the way it was.

Why? I didn’t like the person I was then. Why do I want to open old wounds and deal with people I really don’t care for anymore? Why do I want to do these things when I have a new group of friends that doesn’t care who I was then? They care who I am now, and they are good for me. But I’m not doing things the way that some people think I should be, and so therefore I must not be better. I must be holding on to something that’s going to cause me problems with Jen, or with my new life, according to their opinions.

I’ve made peace with my past. I know my mistakes and try to avoid making them now. I’ve put the bad things behind me, and that includes people that aren’t healthy for me. It’s a tough set of choices I’ve had to make. (And yes, I was forced into making them because of the situation, I didn’t want to make them.) But I’ve come through it, I’m better for it, and I’m content with how things turned out. I wish others could see that I’m content and stop trying to interfere with my new life.

My new life is crammed full of good things and good people. And that’s because I chose to make it that way. Everyone has to grow and change, and that’s what I’ve done.

Endings mean new beginnings, even if the ending itself is painful and the beginning is hard to see. But too many of us, myself included, hang on to try to prevent the ending parts. Without death (in a metaphoric type of sense), there cannot be new life. Cut the life support, and get on with your new beginning………………….and learn what it is to be free.

I have, so can you.

012907

2007-01-29T14:33:00.001-05:00

Weekend was fine, got lots of visiting in with my friend from California, who leaves today to go back. Hopefully he won’t stay away for another 2 years before he comes back to visit again.

I really appreciate the suggestions that everyone has been giving me regarding sleeping. They are all wonderful thoughts. Unfortunately, I’ve tried them all to no avail.

A few comments on this:

It’s probably stress related, I understand that pretty well. However, I’ll be honest with you all and say that I don’t really FEEL stressed out like I normally do. Sure, I’ve got a few things I’m dealing with like everyone else on the planet, but I really feel like I have a handle on things overall. And most people will tell you that I never really seem to let things get to me, which is true. I have sometimes the problem of NOT caring enough, and letting too much slide. But, I work in a high stress industry, so some of that is an unconscious defense mechanism.

Meditation doesn’t do much for the dreams, but I sure feel better afterwards J.

Caffeine doesn’t seem to have anything to do with it. I’ve tried refraining for several hours before bed, as well as drinking some right before I go to sleep. Neither helps, and neither way causes me to fall asleep or not any faster.

I had some particularly nasty things to say about organized religion, but I’ll save myself from the caustic comments by not posting. Suffice to say, the most bigoted, short-sighted, and downright NASTY people I’ve met in the past two months were hard core Roman Catholics. I’ve never met people who are more conceited and more sure that everyone else’s way is wrong, but not their own. (That’s called pride folks, and it comes before the fall in case you aren’t up on quotable quotes……………)

Friday!!!!!!

2007-01-26T16:55:00.000-05:00

Today is a true TGIF type of day.

This week has been long. Really long. Longer than I can remember weeks being long in quite some time. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say, I’m glad it’s over.

Sleeping hasn’t gotten much better. In fact, it’s gotten a little worse. I can’t seem to get caught up, and the nightmares have continued.

I have stayed on track with my resolutions, which I’m happy about. I will take Sunday off again, as my body is seriously in need of some rest.

Oh yeah, remember that thing I said about feeling like something bad was going to happen? It did this week. It’s not something I can relate to everyone here, but again, I’m always right when I have that feeling.

So, negativity aside, here are some more thoughts on the dream stuff:

Picture reality as a series of strings. ( I’m thinking 11 dimensional string theory from physics, but see it however you’d like. ) What if we each create our own worlds on these strings? Each consciousness is a “pearl” on a strand. Taken as a whole, the entire construct would be beautiful. Now, think that perhaps dreams allow us access to the individual strands themselves, and allow us a brief glimpse into the world of someone else. When we look down the strings, just think how many wondrous things there may be for us to learn. Now think of the strings overlapping one another. The possibilities are endless………

Weekend of 012007

2007-01-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

It was a good weekend. I’m still good on my resolutions. I will say that I took Sunday off, mainly because my body was pretty tired. But, I got things in again this morning, so all is well.

My friend Rob came in from California, first time he’s been back in nearly two years. He was actually happy that he got some snow, as it’s something that he misses. I spent time with him on Saturday during the day, and again last night. Saturday night Jen and I went to a party, which was quite fun. It was nice to see all of the Fu folks in a social setting, and Jen got to hang out with the girls, which she seemed to enjoy.

I am tired of feeling like I am playing referee. I have two sets of friends not speaking to one another, and I feel like I am caught in the middle. I give very little advice to either side, but I listen to both and give feedback when asked. One set my role is a bit more active, but I still try not to get caught up in all of it. This weekend was bad for both sets. I can’t really get into much detail, but it’s truly annoying, especially when I feel like both sets are just being plain silly about the whole thing. In one case, there is some legitimate cause for upset, and an apology should be given. In the other, I don’t feel like there is anything truly wrong, and one side won’t even tell the other what the problem is. Obviously nothing will ever get resolved that way, so I’m not sure what that accomplishes, but hey, what do I know?

Dreams

2007-01-18T14:17:00.001-05:00

Ok, sorry for the lack of update yesterday.

I’ve gotten my exercising in each morning, so we’re good there. Yesterday, that means I did a total of 350 pushups, crunches, and squats when you take into consideration my classes and conditioning class. So I’m a little sore today.

So, the past two nights have been similar to the one I posted last. More odd nightmares that just keep continuing after waking up. They have been different in content from the first night. Tuesday night was in some type of jungle with an animal hunting a small group of us. Another was somewhere cold, stuck outside trying to find shelter during a horrible storm. I will say last night’s wasn’t quite as bad, merely because it didn’t seem as long. That may be because I was exhausted from working out.

As annoying as it can be to be tired a lot, it’s also kind of fascinating. These are very, VERY vivid dreams, not like most of mine. It’s almost as if I’m dropped into the mind of the person experiencing what’s going on. No one refers to me by name, it’s always familiar. Military sometimes, like sir, or sometimes it’s just as if I am with friends. I’m always confused at first as to where I am, and then I just know. I don’t know how I know, but I do. And I know what’s happening, even though I don’t know how things got the way they are. And they always start for the most part in the morning, just as I am waking up in the dream. Like at the start of the day.

Now the fun metaphysical thing to consider here is this: What if these instances at night are the real lives, and mine is just the dream? Or better yet, what if all of them, including mine, are real, and there is something connecting us during sleep periods? Is there something collectively we are supposed to do? Maybe my experiences are helping the others and vice versa?

Fun conjecture material…..seriously J.

Fiction or..........???

2007-01-16T16:53:00.000-05:00

I am in a large room, dimly lit. I feel like I haven’t taken a shower in months, maybe not slept in the same amount of time. The building I’m in appears to be an old apartment building. I somehow know that I am on the top floor, maybe 15 floors up. The windows are almost all boarded up.

There are people all around me, busy like a beehive. There is a tension in the air. A closer look, and most of these people are armed. Not small arms either, some of these are larger machine gun type weapons. They are familiar, yet not. I realize that several of these people are asking me questions. Wait, not questions, they are asking for orders. Orders? I’m momentarily confused. I look around again, and I realize that this is some type of guerilla headquarters. At the moment that I begin to ask where I am, an alarm sounds. “Aircraft, coming from the southwest, big ones!” I hear from the far corner of the room near a monitor with lots of red dots. Lights begin to flash, and I hear a siren. Everyone grabs something and heads for the south exit. (I have no idea how I know this is the south exit.) I am herded towards the same direction……..

At this moment I wake up. It’s 2AM. I grumble, and lay back down to sleep.

It’s darker. I am going downstairs. There are people in the stairwell that do not belong with us. They are standing on landings, wandering into the halls. I think “Damn civilians, they are going to get killed.” I fire my rifle into the ceiling, and I tell the people to get out of the building, in a very unkind way. My group continues down the stairwell. At this point I know that I am underground. We reach the bottom of the stairwell. It is very dark. At this point I hear a noise. It’s droning sound, very loud, yet very distant. It steadily gets closer. The woman next to me, complete with fatigues, looks worried and begins to pray. I hear someone mutter under their breath “Dear god, they sent the dreadnought drones after us…..”, and then I hear the bombs begin to fall………

I wake up again, it’s now 3AM. I try to sleep again.

It’s near pitch black. I am in some type of tunnel. There is a great deal of smoke in the air, stale. There are a few lights on the ceiling in the distance, but they are sparking and not very bright. My group has greatly reduced in numbers, and most of us appear to be minorly injured in some way. One of the men next to me asks if I am ok. I nod my head, and ask where we are. “About 2 miles from the dust off point. We were lucky to get into our tunnel system from Goucho HQ. We just finished the tunnel connection last week. And good thing too, they destroyed the top 12 floors in that bombing run I’m told.” 12 floors? There must have been 400 people on those 12 floors……..why would anyone kill 400 innocent civilians? My thoughts are interrupted by the floor shaking. Dust falls from the ceiling in rhythmic intervals. From far behind us there is a loud WHOMP, followed by a whooshing sound, and a breeze wafts from that direction. “Run! They’ve broken into the tunnel system!” The next few minutes are a jumble of darkness, dust, a frantic scramble towards…….. what exactly?

I wake up. 4AM. Dear god, is this nightmare going to stop now? Please?

My group is decidedly haggard. There are now 5 of us. We are in some type of air transport. The woman next to me hands me a pair of dark tinted glasses. “Look to the north. We’ve just confirmed the big ones are 5 minutes out. They think they have you trapped in Dayton sir. Keep your glasses on.” I remember thinking “Of course, why would I take them off?” I look to the north, and just then a tremendous, horrible light fills everything……………

I wake up, sweating. It’s 5 AM. That last blast, that was nuclear! It takes me nearly 45 minutes to get back to sleep.

Still riding in the air transport. “We’ve just confirmed that 8 more launches have taken place. It appears this is the beginning of the next phase sir.” 8 more cities gone. Millions of people. Over what? A little freedom? We weren’t hurting anyone. We just wanted to be left alone after the collapse. A few others felt the same way and joined us. We had it pretty good for a few years, then the juntas got involved. Corporate war parties, the last remnants of the old way. They are the only ones with good resources left. They threw everything they had at us, simply because we didn’t want to follow their rules. But they weren’t expecting us to evade them for so long, and they got impatient. Nukes were their last option. Don’t they see what they’ve done? No more sunny days, no more warm winters. At least 40 nukes have gone off worldwide in the past 4 years, more than enough to counteract the so-called global warming they warned us about 30 years ago. Now we have 300 years at least of winter, winter, and more winter. It’s going to be tough to survive, even without having to fight these fanatics. I look to the group, and I look outside. The mushroom cloud in the background is glowing red. We have so far to go, and so little time to prepare…………………….

And then I wake up to go to work. Talk about a rough night!!!!

PICS!

2007-01-15T22:34:00.000-05:00

Here are the pictures I promised, both the new kitten Guiness and our new bedroom furniture in the right places!

011507

2007-01-15T10:56:00.000-05:00

Ok, sorry for the lack of pictures. We got started a lot later than I would have liked yesterday. This was mainly because Jen slept until noon (hey, she was sick, so it’s ok). The camera also didn’t have any batteries, so I couldn’t take any!

We did get everything moved where we wanted, and we even got the carpets steam cleaned while we were add it. The bedroom looks a lot different than it did! We changed where the bed was, and the new dressers are set against different walls than the old ones were. Big improvement, let me tell you! We even had more space overall than we did before, so that’s good too. Jen did end up sleeping a good portion of the day, so a lot of it I had to do alone, which is ok. I will say this: Oak dressers are frickin HEAVY, especially when moving by yourself. In between moving and cleaning, I had time to try out a recipe for beer batter, and I used that on some broccoli, which we fried for dinner. It turned out surprisingly ok!

I did get my workout in yesterday, and this morning for that matter. So I haven’t missed a day yet!

Good stuff all around.

011407

2007-01-14T09:31:00.000-05:00

Good weekend so far……..

Yesterday was busy. I woke up and did some things around the house while Jen slept in. Then we got her going and dropped off her rental car. Then I went to Kung Fu, which was awesome. Not only did I get my resolution workout in, I got a whole lot more too. 2 solid hours of working out, and I finished learning my weapon form for green belt, and got halfway through the short katas I need. I came home and moved some more stuff around, as we are pulling everything out of the bedroom to clean the carpet, so that we can setup the new dressers that my parents got us for xmas. They are solid oak! And they match my bed. I’ll take pictures when we are done today, and I’ll try to wrangle a pic of that darn kitten too.

Anyways, then Jen and I went to Harrison, IN, for a euchre tournament with her family. $5 entry fee, 7 rounds, switch partners each time , keep your score, everyone sits out one round. (So not everyone got to play with everyone else, but your partner was different each time. Total points possible is 60, if you win every game.) So, I got lucky. At some point I got paired with both grandmas, and they helped me kick some serious butt! I won! 59 points. We missed winning the one game I lost by one hand. So, I walked away with $35! Can’t complain about that J.

I’ll post later with pics!!

011207

2007-01-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

Alright, exercising was actually a little easier this morning. It helped that I had a kitten that decided she wanted to make sure my arm was around her, and used her claws to move my hand so that it was sitting on top of her about 5 minutes before my alarm went off J.

Windows Vista is behaving well so far. I haven’t had any major issues, and the minor ones have been only really mildly irritating. I have most of those worked out now, so it’s all good. Power consumption has been good on my laptop. Hibernation mode works well, and I haven’t had issues getting it to come out of sleep mode.

I don’t like the new Network Center. Instead of the easy finding of network connections in the past, it’s a little more difficult now. There is a little more functionality now, so you can see more that’s going on, which is good. But actually using, and doing, things such as disabling and re-enabling the wireless adapter (which I do several times a day depending on where I am) takes a few more steps to complete, and I don’t like that.

Of all things, MSN Messenger crashes, a LOT. That’s really annoying, but livable, especially considering that’s not a work application J.

I’ve had this feeling of impending doom for the past two weeks now. Something bad is going to happen, and I don’t know what it is. But it will. I’ve never been wrong in the past when I feel this way.

011107

2007-01-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, sorry about the number titles for the blogs, but the date it just the easiest way for me right now J

Got exercising in this morning, though it sucked. After doing 200 pushups and crunches last night in class, I was already sore. But I got through it. Oh, and I’ve decided to add 50 squats to my morning routine as well.

Today was depressing. I had to work for one of customers in Dayton that handles Senior Citizens, and specifically I had to work in the adult daycare area. Imagine 40 seniors wandering around an area in various states of dress and lucidity. Some of them were in wheelchairs, some not. Some were pretty normal folks, and some were Alzheimer’s patients or similarly mentally handicapped.

This one guy, Charles, kept coming up to me to tell me he had no money, then he’d look at me almost like I was going to hit him, and then he scoot away quickly. The first time it was odd. It quickly got just downright depressing. I got the story from one of the nurses after she saw what was going on. She explained that he had been robbed of his food stamps a few years ago, and he had never quite been the same since. The thief wasn’t satisfied with his answer of no money, so he beat him up pretty good, and took everything else he had. And Charles suffers from dementia anyway, and that episode put him on a path the doctors don’t think he can turn around.

I’m no angel, have never claimed to be. I will say I’ve never used violence as a solution to anything, and I very much still believe violence solves nothing. How could another human being use violence against an old man CLEARLY not in his right mind? ESPECIALLY if he has nothing of value to steal?

In this, I am old fashioned. I don’t believe the current justice system provides justice to people like Charles. It may seem medieval, but if I ever met this thief in person, I tell you right now that I would not hesitate to punch this person in the mouth. I realize that it may put me in trouble, that I may even go to jail, but I would still feel like I did the right thing. It’s scary to some I hang out with, but I never go in public without looking around to see what’s going on. I’ve stopped bad things from happening to strangers in the past, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. I feel like people like me have a responsibility to look out for others, no matter what the cost might be to ourselves.

Ok, done ranting, sorry………………..

011007

2007-01-10T16:46:00.000-05:00

Got through exercises again this morning. I’m merely posting this here because I’m hoping that posting it each day helps me be motivated to do it the next morning…….

So today, for work, I got to upgrade my laptop to Windows Vista, full version. I know, I know, to you non-tech folks, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it is to me. I’m the first in our company to use it, and I need to learn it well so that when we have customers wanting to use it when it comes out next month, I at least have a clue how it works.

So far, my impressions are reasonably favorable, though I will say it took me an hour to get it working the way I wanted it to. And that hour was on top of the 2.5 hours it took to upgrade. Not real happy with time involved, but it gives me an idea what to tell customers.

The “new” interface is nice really. You can change things around and make it look like XP if you want, but leaving it as is makes it look a little more like a Mac. I do like the way the windows all look, and I love the stuff they added for switching between programs.

Functionality-wise, I think my customers are going to have some problems getting used to things. Controls are moved around, and it can be difficult to find settings that were easy to find under XP. User Account Control is annoying, it’s this stupid little box that pops up EVERY TIME you want to run a program or change a setting, making sure that you want to do it. I get the whole spyware prevention thing, but most people will want this disabled. You CAN disable the setting though, and I found where to do that, so all is good.

I’ll post more impressions as I actually USE the software.

010907

2007-01-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

Day 2 of resolutions is good so far. I did my pushups and crunches this morning, and did some stretching too. Now, today sucked for this because I had to be at work at 7:30AM, but I got up earlier than normal (5:45) and did what I needed to do.

I got some studying done today too.

The cats have finally started getting along. Moose and Guiness play together now, and we’ve even caught them sleeping on the same chair at times. This is a good thing. The only odd thing left is that Moose’s voice has permanently changed I think. Before Ojos was put down, he had this pitiful high pitched meow. Not manly at all for a boy cat! After she was gone, his meow picked up this gravely, lower pitched sound. That hasn’t gone away, and at this point I don’t think it will. Very, very odd, but he seems to be happy otherwise, so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.

Update and Movie Review

2007-01-08T17:04:00.001-05:00

Well, quick update here…….

Hit my resolutions so far on day one. I did my pushups and crunches this morning. I’d say I’ll have a 6pack in, oh I don’t know, like 10 years J. Regardless, I got them done. I studied today at work, and I did some meditation this morning too. So good first day!!!

Jen and I saw Children of Men at the movies this weekend with my brother and his wife. Excellent movie overall. It would be hard to give you a synopsis without really destroying what the movie is all about, but here’s the short version: The year is 2027, and humankind hasn’t been able to make a baby for the past 18 years. No one can figure out why, but no woman can get pregnant. All countries other than Great Britain are gone, destroyed by interior pressures. Terrorist groups run rampant. The world is NOT a nice place. But, British folks are trying to lead pretty much normal lives. They have a HUGE refugee problem. Clive Owen’s character is like most others trying to live a normal life. And then he gets caught up in something extraordinary, and there you go. The movie is pretty non-stop once you get past the first 20 or 30 minutes, and there are lots of twists and turns. There are a few pretty obvious shots are current governments, such as Britain’s Homeland Security Dept. (not nice guys), etc. Michael Caine plays this wonderful old hippy, and he’s truly good in the role. I thought it was great, and although Jen had some trouble with some of the more graphic scenes, she did say afterward that surprisingly she liked it. It’s a movie that really makes you think.

Other than that, it was a pretty quiet weekend!

Resolutions

2007-01-05T15:51:00.000-05:00

So, it’s time to put them all down here for the record. Here are the things that I am going to start doing this year, starting on Monday of next week. (I always give myself a week to get over the holiday hangovers)

These are listed in no particular order, and these aren’t all of my resolutions, just the more major ones.

Every morning, I will do 50 pushups and 50 crunches to start getting into better shape than I am now.

3 times a week outside of class, I will do at least 20 minutes of stretching to increase my flexibility.

I will take at least 3 more tests for certifications this year.

To accomplish this last one, I will spend at least 30 minutes a night studying, in addition to whatever I can get in during the day at work.

I will spend at least 15 minutes a night meditating.

I will spend less time worrying about myself, and more time being good to friends, family, and most importantly, Jen.

I will again take up a musical instrument, possibly piano.

These last few are different. I hope to accomplish them, but circumstances beyond my control may not let me do them……..

I want to compete in an amateur mixed martial arts fight.

I want to finish the last 6 tests I need for my full MCSE.

I want to build a deck on my house.

Anyways, that’s my list. Wish me luck!

New Year

2007-01-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

First, I’ll be posting some resolutions in the next few days. I’m still deciding exactly what I want to do. But they’ll be posted here for everyone to read shortly.

Second, New Year’s was fun. Nobody wanted to plan anything, so we decided to host at our house for all the people that didn’t have anything to do. As it turned out, we had a full house! There was tons of alcohol consumed, and everybody generally had a good time. A few people had a little too much, and they crashed on the couches. Everyone else finally left around 4:30AM. Me being me, I went to bed around 5AM, and I was the first one up at 9:30AM. I made coffee while Jen slept, and got the sleepers up, awake, and out of the house. Once they were gone, I woke up Jen and made breakfast for her. Jen and I relaxed most of the day, then she went off to a wedding and did a few things around the house for me. We went to bed relatively early.

All in all it was a pretty good New Year’s.

Good Christmas

2006-12-29T15:48:00.001-05:00

It was a good Christmas overall, I can’t complain. I got a LOT of really nice things from Jen’s family, and my mom decided to get Jen and I a combination Christmas/Engagement gift. She got us two dressers and a mirror from my bedroom set. That was a huge surprise! I’ll post pics once we get them in!

So, we got a kitten for Christmas from my sister. She’s been doing foster pet sitting for a shelter in Columbus, and she had a beautiful black kitten that she had been keeping for a few weeks. She brought it down, and Jen instantly loved her, so we took her home Christmas night. I’ll post pics shortly if I can get her to stand still long enough! Her name is Guiness, and we call her Guiny for short. My sister named her, and it seemed appropriate, so we’re keeping it. Moose is NOT happy about the new kitten yet, but that will get better with time.

So everything has been great. It’s been one of the better Christmases I’ve had in the past few years, and for that I am thankful!

That’s all for now, I’ll post more soon!

Update

2006-12-20T14:28:00.001-05:00

So, getting used to a house without my rather large cat running around has been weird. She was close to 30lbs, so it’s odd things that I notice are gone.

I don’t hear the THUMP on the floor when she jumps down from the bed to greet me when I come home. I don’t hear her running up and down the stairs when she hears the food bag rustle or the treat drawer get opened.

I miss her getting under my feet all the time. Jen can tell you that she tripped me up on more than one occasion.

Moose is starting to miss her at this point. He doesn’t particularly care to be alone. He’s been wanting a lot of attention, which is somewhat strange for him. He’s been very vocal.

I spent most of Monday night cleaning half of the basement. Towards the end she had really done a number on the concrete floor, so it’s going to take me a bit longer to get it all right. I rearranged a few things last night as well. I hope to have most things done by Friday, but we’ll see.

Jen and I are going to get Moose a companion most likely before she leaves again on January 8^th. Jen being home right now is a really good thing for Moose, because he doesn’t have to be alone.

The vet I went to in order to have her euthanized sent me a nice card in the mail yesterday that made me cry a little. It’s hard losing a friend you’ve had for 13 years, even if that friend can’t really talk in words. It was tough to bury her. I buried her the way that she normally slept, half on her side half on her back, with one paw covering part of her face. I buried her deep, and when spring comes around, I’ll plant a rose bush on top of her to mark the place properly.

The rose is a wonderful allegory for most friendships. They are a pain to take care of, they have thorns that can draw blood quickly and cut deeply, but they produce the sweetest smelling and most beautiful flowers around. I find it assuredly appropriate that I plant one where Ojos rests now. And considering that she liked to hide in my existing roses, I’m sure she would too.

Tough Saturday

2006-12-17T10:07:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was one of the longer days I’ve had in a while.

Jen got home around 8PM on Friday. I made a broccoli/cauliflower/carrot stirfry for her (well, actually had it mostly ready by the time she got here), and we had a nice night together.

We woke up somewhat early Saturday. We went through a lot of clothes and drawers and filled 8 bags full of things to take to Goodwill.

Now, while we were doing this, Ojos, the sick one, has been acting very strangely. Very furtive, very distressed (you know, her tail is puffed out). I figure it’s just the plastic bags making noise bother her, but it’s enough that I notice it’s odd. We continue to get things ready to go, and I notice a smell coming from the spare bathroom. I figure no big deal, I had thought Jen might have used it earlier or something. Well that theory was wrong. Ojos had used floor mat while we were standing 2 feet away and the door open. Cats just don’t do that when they are well.

There’s just no time to really deal with it at the moment, because we have to get going to drop off Jen’s rental car, and then I had a test for my Green Belt in Kung Fu. So, we close the spare bathroom door and turn on the fan so we can get out the door. We drop off Jen’s car and head over to the dojo. My parents got there right after we did, so good timing there.

The test went ok. I hadn’t eaten beforehand because of the cat, and I ended up being a whole lot more nervous than I was expecting. I got through my material, but it wasn’t pretty. Regardless, I passed and I got my green belt!

So we come home from that, and Ojos has also used the carpet in our bedroom. We clean up both areas. Ojos knows she has done something bad, as she normally does. However, she is too sick at this point to do anything about it. So, after dealing with this off and on over the past 4 years, I make the tough choice and call the vet to have her put down. She was 13, and she was really starting to have a lot of difficulty. And she was absolutely destroying my house slowly.

It’s one of the toughest choices I’ve ever really made. She was a good friend, and a good companion. I felt like this was best for her, no more pain and suffering. So Jen went with me, and we had her euthanized at around 4:30 yesterday. They gave her back to us, and I’m going to bury her in the yard today.

After getting through that, Jen and I went to the Coyote Grill in West Chester to celebrate my dad’s 69^th birthday. Good food, nice place. Then we attended a party on Jen’s side of the family. A general good time was had.

Jen was extremely supportive yesterday, and I am thankful. I’ll honestly admit that I cried a lot over Ojos. I missed her horribly this morning when she wasn’t in her normal place in front of the bathroom door or on the foot of the bed. She’s been part of my life since she was two weeks old, so it will take a while to get used to her not being around.

Jen and I are going to clean the house thoroughly, and then we will pick out a kitten to keep Moose company. It hasn’t hit him yet, but he will start missing Ojos soon.

Thoughts

2006-12-14T15:12:00.001-05:00

Some thoughts for today:

How many of us, when thinking of the future, look no further than ourselves? What are we doing tonight, tomorrow, next week? Are we planning on children, are we saving for retirement?

I’d say 98% of us see the future in this way.

What does that mean for humanity in general? Especially in this country, we are taught to worry about ourselves and make sure that we as individuals plan for our own futures. However, what if Isaac Newton thought this way? Einstein? Let’s go back further…… what about various religious figures? Do you think Jesus thought only of himself? Buddha? Mohammed?

What are you doing to foster humanity’s growth rather than your own?

Weekend of 9th and 10th

2006-12-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

So, we went to Chicago this past weekend for Jen’s Christmas party.

I took Friday off, so we left around 9AM and got up there. It was COLD!!!! The northern parts of town, where we were, still had as much as 6 or 7 inches of snow in spots, but nothing to really impede travel. We got up there around 2PM local time, and Jen went into the office for a few hours while I read. We went to a local brewery for dinner, which was awesome, then came back to the hotel to sit in the hot tub for a while.

Saturday we got up and went to a little café for breakfast. Being conscious of money at the moment, we decided to take it easy during the day, and just spent the time together lounging around the hotel napping and generally just being a cute couple. ;) Then we got dressed up and went to her party. It was very nicely done, at a country club up there. The food was fantastic, and Jen works with a genuinely nice set of people. I was honestly impressed with how much they really seemed to care for one another outside of work. So, it was a great night overall.

We woke up and got out of Chicago around 9:30 or so. The drive back was uneventful, and we had a relaxing Sunday at home for the most part. My one cat evidently ate something she shouldn’t have, so that was a wonderful surprise that I cleaned up when I got home, but that’s alright. You could very obviously tell she wasn’t feeling good when we got home. Very sluggish, very out of it, and I couldn’t get her to purr at all. By late last night she seemed to be feeling a little better, and this morning she was definitely better. So, we’ll see what happens!

Thoughts

2006-12-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

A few thoughts for today:

Perhaps I am over sensitive, but it seems to me that the closer that Christmas gets, the ruder people get. Everyone feels like they are entitled to something or other, and they don’t hesitate to let you know that. It’s simple things, like other drivers behaving badly, people running to get through the door to a store or restaurant before you do (you know, they might run out or something), for even just everyday language. In the season of giving and kindness, I find those things get shorter in supply the closer the 25^th gets.

I think that’s about it right now. I had some other things to say, but I can’t think of how to put what I want to say.

Sleep

2006-11-28T19:16:00.000-05:00

Yep, need it again. I got none last night, had trouble sleeping with Jen gone this time. But, that means the book I started Saturday will be finished tonight. I love finishing books in under a week!

I’ve been pondering the rest of my life, and my life before now recently. I’ve spent most of my life looking for something, and I’ve searched in all sorts of places. I’ve used all sorts of chemicals to help me search in the past, and I’ve come close to finding it there, but there’s always something missing.

I think it comes down to this, and this is a mantra that I repeat often because I truly believe it.

I still believe in paradise. It’s not someplace you visit, or someplace you can live. It’s how you feel for one instant in time, and once you’ve experienced it, it will last forever.

And this is why I love Jen, because this is how I feel every time I’m in her arms.

Whirlwind Holiday

2006-11-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

Whew, what a busy holiday!

Wednesday sucked, as I ended up working until nearly 10PM. So things got started out on the wrong foot for sure.

Thursday we did some decorating around the house, helping Jen get ready for Christmas. Then we went to Jen’s parents’ place for dinner. It was pretty low key, which was fine by me. Still made for a long day however.

Friday we got up and went to go look for a new pair of glasses for me. It’s my Christmas present from Jen. Considering I got my last pair on Sept 22, 2000, it was long past time to go. We got a little bit of shopping out of the way as well. The good news is that my prescription hasn’t changed in 6 years. The new specs come in next week, since they are bifocals and they couldn’t do them in an hour. Then Jen went to bake some cookies with my mom and her mom, and I stayed home to complete part of my Christmas present to Jen. I planted all the flowers that I had in the garage for next spring. I moved some of my existing flowers around. I moved everything out of the garage, swept it out, hung some cabinets, hung some shelves, and completely reorganized the entire garage. It is now much easier for Jen to get in and out of her car, and we have lots more room overall. It looks pretty good, and she was surprised when she got home. That night we went to Brian’s place for a small party. Cloppert, Brian, RaMandy, Al, Brandon and Marie, Jason and Alice, Greg, Kris, Nieport. Pretty much the whole crew was there. It was a nice time, and we got home pretty late.

Saturday we got up and went to the bank so Jen could open an account. We also had her car inspected by the BMV in preparation for her driver’s license transfer. We stopped at the grocery, then came home for a bit. Jen slept on the couch while I cut grass. (Yes, I had to cut grass the last weekend of November. If this is a side effect of global warming, it sucks.) I did a few other small things outside, then came in and woke Jen. She did some work in her office, and I finished my current book. I started book 2 of the series, then fixed us dinner. We ate, then watched the new James Bond, Casino Royale. I liked it, could be a very nice start to a fresh James Bond series of movies. We came home, and Jen wrapped presents. Greg stopped by for a bit, and we watched USC v ND. Jen fell asleep on the couch, and we ended up going to bed very late.

We got up early this morning to take Jen to get her rental car, since she leaves tomorrow morning. I came home and fixed her breakfast, like I have every morning this holiday actually. We are trying to just relax today, since it feels like the holiday has been entirely too short this time around.

Tired

2006-11-16T08:07:00.001-05:00

So, I’m frickin beat today.

I got at 6:30AM Tuesday morning, went to my meeting, and then proceeded to get caught in a day from hell. First call went fine, then I had to pick up a bunch of equipment from various vendors around town, which was time consuming but fine. Then I got sent to a customer I don’t really care for. I fixed the initial problem in less than 10 minutes, at which point the customer told me they no longer wished to use the program, and had bought a new one. The new program didn’t work with her hardware, and forced me to uninstall the old program went I put it in. So, new program doesn’t work, so I try to reload old program. Won’t happen. Something is hosed in the registry, and the damn thing won’t load. Recommended fix from manufacturer? Reload Windows. Argh. So, this 10 minute call takes me 3 hours. Which makes me late for my project.

Project doesn’t get started until 5PM, can’t take servers down during the day. The project work goes pretty well, and I get the servers and networking equipment moved to where I want them around 9PM. During this time period, I get a panicked call from one of my other customers. Server problems. I get in remotely, apply a temporary fix, finish the project. I then run home so I can remote into this other customer. Long story short, I work on the other customer until 8AM Wednesday morning. Nightmare, just one problem after another.

I finally get it going, and I have to go straight from there to my first customer on Wednesday. Another project. I spend all day working on this project. My passenger tire is low, so I head to the gas station at lunch to fill it up. Everything looks ok, so I work on the project during the afternoon. On my way home, on 71S near Fields Ertel, I get a flat tire. So, I have to change a tire on 71, in the rain, when it’s 43 degrees outside. By the time I’m done, I’m soaked and freezing. I finally get home, get changed and go to the dojo.

I was in a daze most of class, too tired to concentrate fully. I got home and pretty much get passed out.

I’m really feeling the effects today, very, very tired.

Weekended

2006-11-13T15:50:00.001-05:00

Saturday was the drunken boxing seminar. Absolutely lots of fun, and my body hurts in all sorts of odd places. It’s a really neat kata. Very different than our normal stuff. Very fluid.

After the seminar, Rachel and I watched OSU destroy Northwestern. Was fun to relax and watch good college football.

I spent a lot of the weekend after that recovering. The cold snap really has done a number on my joints. Everything hurts, and my left leg in particular is killing me. I’m hoping working out tonight will put things right. We are supposed to do some partner stretching tonight, so we’ll see.

I got a lot of reading, and even played a new game for a while. Got a few things done around the house. All in all, too short, but not bad.

Oh yeah.....grrrrr!

2006-11-11T10:49:00.001-05:00

Quick update I forgot to mention. My neighbor sold his house. New neighbors are moving in.

So what do they do yesterday? Put up a fence around their whole yard! I hate fences in general, and they closed off a beautiful green out my back windows.

It means I'll be planting lots of things along that side I guess. Pisses me off!!!!

Rainy Saturday Morning

2006-11-11T10:24:00.001-05:00

So yesterday sucked. I had a job to do in Lexington at 7PM. Store has to close before we can swap equipment out. So, I get down there around 6 to get things unboxed and get ready to start at 7. This is when the manager decides to tell me that they aren't closing until 8. Why you ask? Because they have ONE customer that needs to come in late and ship something out. I ask the manager if he's joking, and I get a very caustic look. He wasn't kidding. They do this at least once a month for this customer. So that sucked big time. I didn't get home until 12:30.

So on this wonderfully rainy Saturday morning, I am going to the dojo for a seminar. (Actually I'm sitting in the Panera next to the dojo grabbing breakfast as we speak). This one is a benefit for a couple that attend the dojo. They recently lost their first child at 6 months due to SIDS I believe, and then Kelly tore ligaments in her knee about a month after that. So they are having difficulties, and our master thought this would be a nice gesture for them. I agree wholeheartedly, and this type of thing is why I attend the dojo that I do. It will be fun, and it will help someone at the same time. Good stuff all around.

Voting and Blahs

2006-11-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

Yes of course I went out on Tuesday to vote. The lines were long, but things moved along fine. I was generally ok with how most things turned out, but then again, voting 3rd party means never really seeing your candidates win. At least not yet. But, it’s important to go out and vote anyway. Just for the issues if nothing else.

I’m disappointed the minimum wage issue passed. The part where employers have to disclose your salary to ANY interested party is really, really bad. I can’t believe that people didn’t look at that part of it. Would you want your ex-significant other to know what you make now? What about the principal at your kid’s school when they are figuring out what kids pay for what activities? How about the pastor at your church when he gets ready to ask for your tithe? Ugly, ugly stuff, I’m telling you.

I’m disappointed issue 3 failed. More money to Kentucky and Indiana, so let’s see just how much Cincinnati itself becomes a ghost town now.

I’m glad 4 failed and 5 passed. As an ex-smoker, I do find it difficult to be in smoking places. I understand it’s my choice, and I exercise that when I can. But it’s not always possible. Plus, now I won’t get cravings as often when I’m out. All around good deal I think.

I’m hoping today helps to clear the general blasé feeling I’ve had the past several days. My weather concerns are usually more physical than emotional, but this past stretch of gray days hasn’t been good for either. (The cold is horrible on joints, and it makes my foot scream a lot). It’s sunny and nice here, and should be at least part of tomorrow as well. However, I also get to work tomorrow night….in Lexington. Grrrr.

I’m having trouble posting more often recently. I feel like this is for lots of reasons. Time is a legitimate one, but probably the least valid. My original purpose of using this like a journal is more difficult now. Text can be so much more difficult to interpret than spoken word, and more than one disagreement has already been started over words posted here. I also feel like I can’t adequately express everything I need to here. Issues are more complex than I can convey properly.

I feel like I’m still caught up in a whirlwind. I’m afraid that while I have learned to be happy on my own, I’m no good at helping other people to be happy. I’m afraid that since my needs are simple and refined after my failed marriage, I am no longer able to understand the more complex needs of someone with a different background. I’m afraid that I am so comfortable on my own, and in my own head, that I can no longer really understand those who thrive off being around other people. I’m afraid that my silence at times gets taken for sadness or for anger when that’s really not the case.

I guess maybe I feel like maybe I’m just not good enough right now. And I don’t know what else I can do because I feel like I’m doing everything I can.

Voting and Blahs

2006-11-09T11:51:00.000-05:00

Yes of course I went out on Tuesday to vote. The lines were long, but things moved along fine. I was generally ok with how most things turned out, but then again, voting 3^rd party means never really seeing your candidates win. At least not yet. But, it’s important to go out and vote anyway. Just for the issues if nothing else.

I’m disappointed the minimum wage issue passed. The part where employers have to disclose your salary to ANY interested party is really, really bad. I can’t believe that people didn’t look at that part of it. Would you want your ex-significant other to know what you make now? What about the principal at your kid’s school when they are figuring out what kids pay for what activities? How about the pastor at your church when he gets ready to ask for your tithe? Ugly, ugly stuff, I’m telling you.

I’m disappointed issue 3 failed. More money to Kentucky and Indiana, so let’s see just how much Cincinnati itself becomes a ghost town now.

I’m glad 4 failed and 5 passed. As an ex-smoker, I do find it difficult to be in smoking places. I understand it’s my choice, and I exercise that when I can. But it’s not always possible. Plus, now I won’t get cravings as often when I’m out. All around good deal I think.

I’m hoping today helps to clear the general blasé feeling I’ve had the past several days. My weather concerns are usually more physical than emotional, but this past stretch of gray days hasn’t been good for either. (The cold is horrible on joints, and it makes my foot scream a lot). It’s sunny and nice here, and should be at least part of tomorrow as well. However, I also get to work tomorrow night….in Lexington. Grrrr.

I’m having trouble posting more often recently. I feel like this is for lots of reasons. Time is a legitimate one, but probably the least valid. My original purpose of using this like a journal is more difficult now. Text can be so much more difficult to interpret than spoken word, and more than one disagreement has already been started over words posted here. I also feel like I can’t adequately express everything I need to here. Issues are more complex than I can convey properly.

I feel like I’m still caught up in a whirlwind. I’m afraid that while I have learned to be happy on my own, I’m no good at helping other people to be happy. I’m afraid that since my needs are simple and refined after my failed marriage, I am no longer able to understand the more complex needs of someone with a different background. I’m afraid that I am so comfortable on my own, and in my own head, that I can no longer really understand those who thrive off being around other people. I’m afraid that my silence at times gets taken for sadness or for anger when that’s really not the case.

I guess maybe I feel like maybe I’m just not good enough right now. And I don’t know what else I can do because I feel like I’m doing everything I can.

First Nov Weekend

2006-11-06T09:45:00.001-05:00

The weekend was pretty good by all accounts I think.

Friday night my mom stopped by and took two of the chairs from my old dining room table to take to Columbus for my sister. We got to see Chloe for a short time when Kris dropped her off for Mom. Saturday Jen went to hang with her family and get a haircut. I went to the dojo. Kris stopped by and picked up a few more things, I did some laundry, then I showered and waited on Jen to get home. We had a decent dinner, then we watched the first 4 episodes of ROME, the HBO series that’s been running. It was pretty good I think, but nothing spectacular. Sunday we watched the Bengals game, after I cleaned up downstairs and did some laundry. Sunday was a lazy couch day, we really didn’t do much.

All in all not a bad weekend.

Hmmmmmmmm

2006-10-31T10:08:00.001-05:00

Alright, quick weekend update.

Friday Jen was out of town at a wedding, so I went to a Pimp and Ho costume party with some of my friends. It was a combination Halloween and birthday party. As the last gift in the pile to open, my friend Randy hid an engagement ring inside another present for Mandy. So that went over well, he proposed, and everything was just peachy. It was a bright spot in an otherwise mundane though not unenjoyable evening. It did really drive home the fact that these really aren’t my people anymore. I had nothing to talk about with anyone, and I found that the people there were talking about the same things they were 4 months ago. I felt like telling most of the people there to get a life. (I mean really, who comes to a party to bitch about work?)

Saturday was lots of waiting for Jen to get home honestly. I did some things around the house. Then when Jen finally did get home around dinner time, we had a nice night together.

Sunday Jen went to her girls lunch, while I watched the Bengals game and did a few other little things. We watched a movie that night. Well, I should say I watched a movie. I thought guys were the ones that were supposed to fall asleep during movies? Jen and I haven’t successfully watched a movie where she didn’t fall asleep I think.

Yesterday sucked. It really felt like I couldn’t do anything right. Work was horrible, ran into more than one problem that I simply could not figure out. I didn’t get to eat lunch until 4PM, and since I didn’t eat breakfast, that was brutal. Then went to Kung Fu last night, and because of the late eating, I had zero energy. Halfway through the last class I just simply couldn’t do it. I forced myself to go through the motions, but I just couldn’t put any more into it. I won’t go into what happened when I got home, but lets say that the theme of not being able to do anything right held true there too. It was a frustrating day all around.

Today I am just down. I had an early meeting. I got no sleep the night before. I’m starting to feel like I’m running in circles again, and I don’t quite know what to do about it.

Friday!!!!

2006-10-27T15:13:00.001-04:00

Well, it’s Friday again! This is the just the third Friday since the end of June that Jen and I aren’t planning a trip to or from Chicago. It’s really nice. Jen is still 5 hours away, in Youngstown for a wedding. But, it’s not Chicago!!

Jen got here Wednesday night, and we had a nice night together. Then last night Karen came all the way out to the eastside to have dinner with us. I fixed up some potato soup, and it turned out pretty good. I think I know what I can do to speed the process just a tad, as it did take nearly 3.5 hours to make. But I was overly cautious about not burning the milk, so I think I can use some more heat next time and get done a little faster. I was pretty happy overall, and it was great company and a nice night in to welcome Jen to Cincinnati.

Jen and I are slowly getting things together. Finances are going to suck the first month, since her house isn’t sold yet. Paying for two mortgages on two houses is not an easy thing! But, we’ll figure it out, I’m sure. Figuring out all of the various house things will take some time, but I don’t think it will be bad overall. Again, it’ll just take some time.

It’s funny how easy it is to fall back into the pattern of living with someone. I already know which towels are hers, and I don’t use those. I already sleep on “my” side of the bed, even when she’s not there. All those little things came back right away, even after 3 years of living very, very much alone. And it doesn’t sound like much, but it makes all the difference in the world.

Crunched

2006-10-25T17:29:00.001-04:00

It seems like time is crunched together. This week has positively flown by so far.

Obviously the big news is that Jen will be in town in a few hours. Which means that our new life together technically starts tonight. Very exciting!

I finished Cell unexpectedly the other night. Ending was totally not what I was expecting. Not bad, just different. Very quick read overall, enjoyable, but nothing to write home about methinks.

Being around generally smart people all of the time, I forget sometimes that what I do makes no sense to anyone else. Case in point……. I had a weird confrontation with an older, shall we say countrified, gentleman today. I was eating lunch, minding my own business and checking email on the phone when this guy just sits down across from me in my booth. He asked me if I was playing some video game or something. I said no, tried to get back to eating and working. He asked if it was one of those “pod-things”. I laughed, said no, explained that it was a tool for work, and that I was doing email. He looked at me with this totally blank stare. I said, you know, email, like letters, but on the computer. No response…. But he wouldn’t leave! So I explained that I was talking with my customers over the internet….. to which he said “So you’re looking at porn, because that’s all the internet is good for, right?” It took every once of restraint I had not to bust out laughing. I politely explained that no, there are many other ways people use the internet, etc. etc. etc. I finally got him to leave, and the waitress came up and apologized to me. She said that he is in the restaurant every couple days, and he always picks someone to pester, and that he was harmless, etc……

Talk about odd!!!

nothing in particular

2006-10-23T21:50:00.000-04:00

So we now have enough plates and cups and what not to feed approximately 35 people……….without having to do dishes. And that’s enough pots and pans to fix it all. Obviously this is going to have to be one of the first rooms we sort and figure out. I have copious amounts of cabinet space, but not even my kitchen can contain this cornucopia of cookware!

I have made excellent progress on my new book, Cell by Stephen King. Nifty little technology goes bad story so far.

I feel like I haven’t had much time to read, but I look at it now and realize that since July, I’ve finished 9 books. And this is getting like 30 minutes a day to read, so that’s not too bad. But I haven’t made a choice on what to read next yet. I have a few in mind, but haven’t decided.

Quick Weekend Update

2006-10-23T09:52:00.001-04:00

Well, we got everything moved. After an exhausting weekend, 99% of Jen’s things are now at my place. We organized most big things yesterday, at least for now. We need to go through everything and get rid of what we don’t need, but that can be done over time. At least most of it is done, and by Wednesday night, Jen will be a permanent resident of our house.

The Weekend, and Dreams

2006-10-16T16:49:00.001-04:00

Well, the weekend was pretty good overall. Jen and I went out for a casual dinner on Friday night in Chicago, then got up to help her roommate move out. This was pretty easy and was over quickly. Then we went to a few malls in the Chicago area to do some leisurely shopping and spend the day together. This was capped with a nice quiet dinner at a local brewery. We went home and actually fell asleep early. We got up early to go to one of Jen’s soccer games, where I was recruited to serve as a human ladder so they could put the nets up. After that we had another couple’s massage, which was fantastic, though both of us are actually sore today afterwards.

So, there this that’s really bothering me and I haven’t been able to figure out how to put into words.

On Thursday, I found a notebook in my closet while cleaning things out and getting ready for Jen to move down. This notebook was in my ex-wife’s handwriting. So, I of course had to open it and read it. That was incredibly dumb of me. The notebook contained approximately 18 months or so of all the things that she bottled up towards the end of the marriage. These are all of things that came out with such a vengeance at very end. Most of these were things that I had no idea were going on. Some of them I knew about, but those were definitely in the minority.

To see these laid out in order, and to see that all of these were there but never talked about is somewhat frustrating. I’m sure that some of the non-communication was my fault somehow, but I’m certain, especially after seeing this, that not all of it was. Not even most of it I think. Taken individually, each of these things could have been solved at the time they happened, had they been brought up and dealt with. Bottled up for at least 18 months (for these written things anyway), there was no way in hell we had any chance whatsoever.

Seeing these in this way makes me angry. Considering what was written, the last few months were nothing more than a ploy for her to get more time. She had her mind made up at least 6 months before papers were filed. I feel like I was led to believe there may have been a chance, and that I jumped through hoops for waaaaaaayyyy too long to try to fix something that wasn’t fixable. Yes yes, I get that some of this was my own fault. That I wanted to see that chance. However, after reading the notebook, I think some of it was premeditated as a form of revenge.

Anyways, I burned the notebook, along with a few other things I found from her at that time. This was strangely satisfying.

However, since Thursday, I have had dreams every night with my ex-wife in them. Some of them have been nightmares, some of them have been pleasant. But every night, she has been there. In some we are friends again, in others we are forced together at some type of event for a mutual friend. In most, I’m still with Jen. (In one or two they have even fought, which is strangely funny and exciting at the same time……)

So I don’t know what it means, other than I haven’t been getting much good sleep since Thursday……. I’ll let you know if they continue……………..

Nothin

2006-10-09T22:01:00.001-04:00

Ya, I got nothin, sorry.

The past week has been hectic yet not.

I didn’t go to Fu all week due to doctor’s request that I take some time off to let my knee get a little better. (I did, went back tonight, feel pretty good really). So no surgery, just do whatever my pain level will tolerate. Watch the knee on that side for hyperextending, which is what is causing the pain. If the pain doesn’t decrease in 3to6 months, then go back for exploratory surgery.

So I did some stuff around the house, got caught up with a few friends.

Friday I went to Brian’s ex Erin’s wedding. That was alright. Nothing too special, non-traditional in some ways.

Saturday was Greg’s reception. That was fun, and it was nice to see Lingling having some fun around English speaking people again.

Sunday I went to a Fu party for our teacher Joe, who was crowned Grand Champion at the tournament in Sept. That was lots of fun. We ate, we hung out, we talked Fu, we watched some of the video footage. It was lots of fun overall.

I haven’t felt like I have much to post. I’ve been on a pretty even keel recently, so no big drama to report or bitch about.

I’m anxious to get Jen moved down here and stop this distance relationship. After a few months, it really wears on you. I don’t show it near as much as Jen does sometimes, but I feel it just as keenly. I’m like anyone else, and I have my worries and concerns about working everything out once she gets here, but I can’t say that I’m not looking forward to it regardless.

I have a thousand times more confidence about this relationship and this choice than I ever did about my last marriage. But, I was young and stupid, and I thought there weren’t any problems that couldn’t be fixed somehow. I know now that 1)not all problems HAVE to be fixed, 2) not all problems CAN be fixed, 3) sometimes the problems aren’t the important things that have to be worked out.

Overall, I’m perfectly content with my life at this moment, and the future only looks better. What more is there to say?

Nikki's Wedding

2006-10-01T12:59:00.000-04:00

So, Nikki's wedding was last night. A good time was had by all, and I didn't even trip walking Jen and Nikki's mom down the aisle to light the unity candle!!

Seriously, the evening went quite well, and I think everyone had a good time overall. It was a somewhat early night, as we left at 11:40 and everyone else had already gone and everything was loaded into cars to take home.

Hello?

2006-09-28T14:24:00.001-04:00

Yes, yes, I’ve been chided for not posting. I guess I haven’t had much to say here. That and I haven’t had any time to say it.

So, here’s the recap of the past week:

Last Friday I went to dinner with Brian, Al, my cousin Andrew, and Rachel. It was somewhat of a belated birthday gathering, but mostly just a reason to drink. A lot. A lot a lot! We had a good time, got to bed super late. Rachel and Andrew crashed at my place, Brian and Al went home. Slept reasonably late for a 3:30AM bedtime, like 9:30AM.

The next day, I did a whole lot of cleaning and what not, and then the Kung Fu folks descended on my house to meet up before seeing a movie. It was me, Brian, Rachel, Jonesy, Nieport, Farber, Jacob, Mike, Keith, two of their friends, Jason and Tiffany, and Ben. We went to see Fearless, with Jet Li. It was fantastic, made better by the fact that Jet Li practices our style of martial arts. Seeing him do some of the things we are learning is pretty darn cool. People came back to my place afterwards, and we hung out until like 4 or so.

Sunday was a lazy day for the most part. I watched the Bengals game with my brother, then went to my grandparents’ place to fix their PC. Had dinner there, then came home and did some work.

This week has sucked. I’ve had 6AM calls every day but this morning. I’ve had tons of other work too, so no early off times. Lots of stress on the homefront too, so that has sucked.

But, Jen got into town last night, and everything seems to be ok now.

So that’s the week in a nutshell. More later!

Tired

2006-09-21T12:02:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I’m still tired. Sorry for no posts, but I’ve been a workin fool the past few days.

Tuesday I was in early (7:30A), and then I had a big project start at 2PM. I worked that project until 5 AM the next morning, went to a 6AM appointment, then went back to the project until around 1PM. I did a few other things, then went to the dojo last night to work out. That was tough on no sleep, let me tell you! I didn’t get to sleep until about 11:30P last night, and then I was up at 7AM again.

I feel a little worn out today, but it’s not completely horrible. I don’t require much sleep anyway. I am definitely more tired than I normally am, but not overly so. My muscles are more tired than normal from working out, and I feel a little sleepy, but that’s ok.

For the record, I had to do a residential call this morning to an absolutely disgusting house. I have rarely been in a house that smelled worse. The lady is a AKC breeder or poodles, and you’d think she does all of this IN the house from the way it smells. That or she lets them use the basement as a restroom. The house was clean overall, but the stench was nearly enough to make me faint. I HATE RESIDENTIAL CALLS. The money simply isn’t worth dealing with most people.

One Full Birthday

2006-09-18T11:50:00.001-04:00

Well, yesterday was one full birthday……….

I woke up tired from the full day on Saturday. Jen and I had a pleasant morning together being with one another. Then, Greg came over and we went to the Bengals game, which was a very nice present from Greg, while Jen went to her girls lunch. We parked in NKY and walked across the suspension bridge to get to the game, which was right up my alley. The game was wonderful, if a bit hot. I got quite a bit of sun. Once we got back from the game, Jen and I had dinner with my parents and grandparents. Jen left from the restaurant to head back to Chicago, got to the other side of town and realized she was too tired to make it. She ended up coming back to my house for the evening and leaving this morning. In the meantime, Rachel had called to come hang out during the evening. So the three of us did a whole lot of nothing, which was great.

Oh, as a surprise, Jen hid 7 different little letters throughout my house for me to find for my birthday. Each said something different that she loved about me or about us. It was a very thoughtful surprise, and one that I enjoyed thoroughly. Thanks Jen.

Lastly, everyone wants to make a big deal about 30. I don’t get it. I feel stronger and more capable now than I ever have in my life. I can do more now in any area of my life than I have ever been able to do in the past. What exactly is wrong with that, and why am I supposed to feel old?

Tournament Time!!!

2006-09-16T23:24:00.000-04:00

So today was the big Fall Gathering for the Shaolin-Do Association. Big tournament in Lexington. People from all over the country were there to compete. There were kata competitions and a sparring competitions.

Although I wasn’t confident in what I was doing, I decided to participate to see what I could do.

Jen was nice enough to get up ultra-early with me (6AM) this morning and go down to watch.

It was a really long day. The little kids went first, which was very cute. Our school doesn’t teach children, but many others do, so there were a ton there.

Things finally got started, and myself and Brian and Jacob were all competing in the blue belt level competitions.

We each did an open hands form, a weapons form, and then we had a little round robin sparring tournament.

Sparring was tough, but fun. Although head contact is illegal, I got clocked twice, once in the mouth in my first match, and then once in the nose in my last match.

It was great to watch everyone do their stuff. Our school did extraordinarily well. Almost everyone that went got a medal. Including me! I got two, one for weapons form (Bo Staff), and one for sparring. Both 2^nd places, so silvers for each.

It’s a wonderful feeling to get back out and compete in something again. I’ve needed this badly.

I couldn’t be more thankful for today really, and mostly because Jen came to watch when she understood it was important to me. 6AM to 10:30PM is a really long day when you are doing something that you really aren’t taking part in, so I’m very appreciative of the sacrifice.

Blergh!!

2006-09-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

Ya, so, check this out…………..

MRI came back on my knee. I have a torn meniscus. I found a nice article about what this means here: http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/meniscusinjuries1/a/meniscus.htm

It means another surgery.

I’m really trying not to be depressed about this.

Experience

2006-09-12T17:17:00.001-04:00

I believe it’s a challenge to live one’s life as part of the experience rather than passively experiencing life.

I believe age is the sum of your experiences, and it has nothing to do with numbers.

I think most people experience merely 30% of what really happens during their day. The other 70% is discarded as distracting, off topic, background, etc……………

I believe some people don’t need to tune the other 70% out………

I believe this difference in experience gave rise to the term “old soul”. Although usually attributed to those who have experienced much tragedy or hardship in their lives, it is not always so. Some people just seem to have experience more overall than most others do.

I believe it’s possible to make one’s soul younger. Through surrounding oneself with positive people, doing creative and beneficial things with one’s time, and through sheer force of will, one can retain the life lessons learned yet still view the world with a sense of wonder and newness. And continue to learn new lessons in everyday activities.

Is this not the true fountain of youth?

Rainy Weekend

2006-09-11T07:49:00.001-04:00

So, I went to Chicago this weekend to see Jen. Talk about lousy weather! It was cold and rainy all weekend long!

Jen surprised me on Saturday for my birthday. She took us to a place called Heavenly Massage, and we got a couples massage. 60 minute massage together in the same room, then the special thing about this place is after the massage. You get your own little bathroom to go to. This bathroom has a HUGE shower stall with a steam attachment installed. So, you get the massage, then you can relax in a steam bath as long as you want, then take a shower to get refreshed. It was great, and they let us share the same shower, which was even better. Having never shelled out the money for a professional massage before, it was fantastic. I’d sign up for some monthly thing here in Cinci if I could find a massage parlor that has the steam bath/shower thing at the end. (I’d almost pay the massage rates just for that if you want the truth….)

Saturday made Sunday standing in the rain watching her soccer game ALMOST worth it (j/k, I was with Jen, it was worth it.)

We had a pretty significant fight on Sunday after her game. This is becoming distressingly common. I’ll chalk some of it up to the fact that we have to part ways every weekend, and it wears on both of us. Neither of us wants to be apart from the other, but we have no choice in the matter currently. I’m sure that’s most of it.

Regardless, we always seem to make up in the end, and neither of us lets things linger after we are done arguing, so that part’s good.

PSA

2006-09-08T08:51:00.001-04:00

Ya, so I switched to the Beta Blogger, and I also can’t comment on anyone’s blogs anymore. It should be a temporary thing until they can get the authentication systems synced up, but we’ll see. (Google owns Blogger if you didn’t know that, and this beta thing is all about using your gmail or google ID for blogger.)

Anyways, the week has been good thus far. I have a doctor appointment today to see if I can figure out why my left knee and my right side are hurting. It shouldn’t be anything serious, but I’ll let you know.

What happened to............

2006-09-05T15:09:00.000-04:00

Common sense?

Everyone here in Cinci is aware of the Marcus Fiesel situation. If you aren’t from here, here’s a link to a recap:

http://news.enquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?Category=newsmarcus

Now, the birth mother, the one that couldn’t support him and had him taken away is filing a wrongful death lawsuit to the tune of $5 million dollars.

This is the lady that couldn’t get things straight enough that child services took ALL of her kids away from her. Not just Marcus, but her other two children as well. (OH, BTW, all 3 were from different men) The house stank so bad that child services assumed she had dogs or some type of animals in the house. (She didn’t) Marcus was covered in flea bites and bruises. He got out of the house on two different occasions before he was taken away.

This lady could NOT care for this child. She did not have a job, relying on social services for money.

Why in the world is this lady entitled to a DAMN THING over what happened? In my opinion, and I may sound a bit heartless here, she is EVERY BIT as responsible for what happened to Marcus as the foster parents that killed him. How damn difficult is it to keep a house clean? How difficult is it to keep tabs on a 3 year old that has a mentality like an 18 month old because he’s autistic?

What lawyer with ANY decency would take this case? What judge would even pretend to hear it?

What sane person out there sees this as ANYTHING but a flat out money scam? I’m not downplaying her loss in the slightest, it certainly was her child that died. But if she wants the money now, she should have wanted Marcus just as much when she had him. Her actions don’t back that up in the slightest.

And people in this country wonder why foreigners think we are stupid. If she wins a single penny out of this, they are all right. It would be a mockery of our judicial system, and everyone involved should be ashamed. These are the things that make me ashamed to be part of this country, this system.

I’m not Anti-American, but I am Anti-Stupidity. I wish more of us existed.

Rested

2006-09-03T12:53:00.000-04:00

The entire weekend thus far has been incredibly restful. I won’t claim to have been totally inactive, but it’s been close. We saw “Crank” last night with Brian. It was an entertaining action flick, nothing entirely special. Some neat visual effects, I’d say worth the money to go see.

I’ve gotten quite a bit of my book read this weekend, without even trying a whole lot. I’ve had lots of little bits of time to read a chapter here, chapter there, and I find I’m halfway through. 2 more after this one, and I’ll have all 6 in the Dune prequel series done. They’ve been really good books, very enjoyable.

I am slowly organizing myself into training mode again. I’ve got to get studying for some certifications again. This is a daunting task, and I’m not sure how I want to accomplish this. However, I’ve been given the end of Sept as a target date for taking the test.

I refuse to stress out about this.

A few musings

2006-08-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

Everything is interconnected. Even if it doesn’t appear to be on the surface. This is something Chicago drove home this past weekend.

1) Letting an older gentleman cut in line in front of me at Dunkin Donuts on Sunday earned me not thanks, but a look like I had three heads. He was immediately suspicious of me.

2) Drivers in Chicago do at least 10 mph over the speed limit at all times no matter what street you are on. Going slower gets you yelled at, honked at, and generally beat up for being a pansy.

3) From at least 40 miles outside the city in ANY direction (think Cinci to Dayton folks), there is nothing but solid city. There are no spaces between towns, no extended stretches of two lanes roads without stop lights, etc. This would be a perfect example of urban sprawl. The only place I’ve been to and personally seen it worse was LA. There it was, no joke, 70 miles outside the city.

Cramming people together like this by default discourages personal interaction. Counter-intuitive? Not really. How can you pay attention to one person when there are 15 right behind her? How can you look out for other people when there are 25 people within 25 feet? How can you develop personal relationships when just getting across town takes 2 hours? Someone may be in your part of town today, and you may never see them again the entire time you live in such a place.

There are benefits to living in a smaller town. I constantly run into people all over the area that knew my father, knew my mother, knew me when I was little, knew someone else in my extended family (95% of which live in Cinci), etc. That type of familiarity cannot exist in a place as big as Chicago.

I can drive to Chicago and enjoy all those things that big city folk like to do. However, those Chicago people can NEVER experience the kind of life that I have here. It’s simply not possible for them, and that makes me sad in a way.

There, I would be just another number amongst millions, struggling to make myself heard over the crowd.

Here, I can be myself, and I can be connected to the fabric of society of the entire region, and I CAN make a difference.

I think I prefer it that way………………….

Tuesday

2006-08-29T21:47:00.000-04:00

I was feeling pretty down most of the day. I think this was for several different reasons.

First, I was simply tired from a rough night. Worked out hard last night, then couldn’t sleep. I woke up about every 75 minutes or so for whatever reason.

Second, I’ve got a lot going through my head right now. I’m still organizing thoughts from the weekend. I was a little disappointed with class last night. Plus you can add all the various things that have happened in the last few weeks, so lots to think about.

I think I need a break soon. I’m doing a little too much, even on my off days. I think this upcoming holiday weekend will be good. There are no classes, and I think I’m going to relax and try to do as little as possible for a change. I think I need the time to get my head straight.

Weekend Reflections

2006-08-28T15:25:00.000-04:00

So, here are my thoughts from the weekend.

Activity recap: Jen and I stayed in Friday night. She was kind enough to take me to Panera in the morning so I could get internet access for my fantasy football draft. So, we had breakfast, she read and I did what I needed to do. Pretty relaxing morning. We went into town during the afternoon, walked around a whole bunch. Didn’t ultimately find what we wanted, but that’s ok. We went to a cool Chinese place called the Smiling Buddha for dinner. Sunday we went to a USA vs. China women’s soccer game. Found out while we were there that this counted for the US towards Olympic qualifying in 2008. That was pretty fun. I left from there to come back to Cinci.

Here’s what I contemplated on the way home.

I know that Jen and I are supposed to be together. I know this in many different ways, two of which I realized this weekend in particular. In no real order:

1) I play a completely different role in this relationship than I ever have in any previous relationships. It’s much more of an equal footing than I’ve ever experienced.

2) Even the worst day we’ve had so far between us was still a good experience overall. We argued, then sat down and talked about it calmly and cleared everything right up about 15 minutes later. Things were strained for an hour or two, but we stayed with each other, and by the time we got home, everything was just fine. And all of our arguments have been this way.

Chicago is fun to visit, but I can’t deal with it for very long. Although I have no issues getting around (hell, I caught a few shortcuts for us by simply paying attention to what was around, even though I’ve never been there), there are simply too many people. Everything feels crowded and rushed. Everyone is running around a million miles an hour. People are rude, thoughtless, and worse yet, some of them are downright mean.

It’s absolutely amazing what one person can notice if you try. I was struck by this riding the El, walking around the “residential” areas of Chicago.

Acts of senseless negativity, downright hostility, wicked ignorance as people pass by events.

Acts of kindness, unique perspectives, completely different world views.

And these things change block to block, neighborhood by neighborhood. The buildings are the same, but some blocks have newer, brighter paint jobs. Some have burned out signs. Some have signs over remnants of older signs. And invariably on every block it seemed like one business was closing or closed and another was opening. Some blocks the empty spaces outweighed the full, and some blocks that was opposite. The closer you got to the city proper the fewer open spaces there were.

I must have heard 20 different languages. And yet from a distance, you couldn’t tell what they were speaking, but you could understand basically what the conversation was, from restocking shelves, unloading trucks, people have lunch conversations, etc. I really didn’t feel like language was much of a barrier all day when looked at from the proper perspective.

I won’t claim some deep understanding of life after one day walking around one of heavier population centers of our country. I won’t claim to have it all figured out now.

However, I will say that it was an experience that was very enlightening in many ways. Although I did not get to get into it as much as I would have liked, I felt like I was operating on a higher level again. There was so much to absorb, and I was really trying to get the most out of it.

I’ll post some more thoughts in the next few days. There is really a jumble floating around in my head, and I haven’t sorted it all out yet.

Disappointed

2006-08-23T11:58:00.000-04:00

Alright, so Monday night at the dojo, I got some disappointing news.

They most likely are not going to allow me to test in September for my next belt. Although I still have one kata to learn before then, I somewhat question this. I don’t think the head instructor knows quite how much I’m at the dojo. He was surprised to hear what I know at this point, but he still said that they prefer not to allow blue to green testing in 3 months.

I’m taking this two ways.

First, I am a little pissed because I don’t feel like I’m getting enough new material taught. Monday is supposed to be new material night, and I haven’t learned anything on Monday nights in almost a month. I feel like I’m begging for new material from anyone that will teach it. Short version here: I don’t think my not being ready in September would have anything to do with my skills, but everything to do with the teaching. Which is somewhat disappointing since I’ve made such a big commitment to learning the material. I am at the dojo more than just about anyone else other than Rachel and Jones. At least for my level folks, can’t speak to the higher belts. I don’t know what else I could possibly do on my side.

Second, I see this as a test in patience. If they won’t let me test, I’ll perfect what I’ve got, work on my stances more, and work on the several long katas I know. This may be better for me in the long run. My conditioning will improve, as it already has greatly. My overall competence will improve. So these are all good things.

I run the risk of getting bored however, and I really, really don’t like that. That’s the one thing on this planet that I cannot stand. I’m pretty good at keeping myself interested, but I HATE to be held back. I learn much different than most folks, and much quicker. Being held back for whatever reason is 100% not acceptable.

So, I’m going to have some work to do here, and I’m not sure what’s up yet. I don’t want to back down my commitment, but if I get bored, it’s going to be really, really difficult to keep doing it this way. I guess I kind of see like I made a commitment to the dojo, and I want one back from them. And I’m not getting it, and that’s not going to work for very long.

Hmmm, we’ll see what the future brings.